Monday, November 29, 2010

Sometimes Knowing How to Spell Isn't Everything...

Subject: HELLO HUN
So I can spell

Great! Can't tell much by his photo, but let's take a gander at his profile. His interests? Beach and working out. His About Me section: ok well actions speek alot louder then words right? So get back for a real good guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


HoZCorp is a little too old for my liking..and I can't tell what he looks like from the angles of his photos.

ME: LOL. That's a start, but I don't date smokers. Good luck on here.

HOZCOR: I don't smoke lol I'm in the gym 24 7 your way to picky

ME: I'm picky because I don't want to date a smoker?????

Your profile says:
Smoker? Occasionally

I'm picky? I said I don't date smokers. I didn't say I don't date left-handed brown-eyed men who wear Boston Red Sox hats at the gym. Now THAT is picky.

And what the hell..if you don't smoke, well then don't mark on your profile that you do!

HOZCOR: I well I don't date them either so ok I hear ya

I just delete that email.

A week later.....
Subject: still don't smoke
So hi let me try this again lol Hi I'm Eric

From: Hozcor
Subject: Hello
Hello So let me try this again , hi I'm Eric

I got it the first time, buddy.

ME: Hi, Eric! I'd like to date someone that does not want children.

HOZCOR: I really at this point wouldn't date you at all I seem very anal and that's such a ugly quality in a women you pretty but far from a 10 and even if you were a 10. That tude wouldn't allow you datable

I THINK he meant to say "you seem anal," but hey, who am I to argue?

ME: I have to agree with you, you do seem anal!

I'm definitely far from a 10..and you're far from being human. Good thing I don't want kids. Imagine what they'd look like!

Happy Thanksgiving!

HOZCOR: Well happy thanksgiving to you as well Why don't you reread your profile take A good look in the mirror

So I did take a good look in the mirror... and yep, I still don't want to date smokers OR reproduce. :)

Monday, October 25, 2010

My Bad

From: Pierre
Subject: Sweet love
Sorry no offence but god damm it was that bad

Was what that bad? Your spelling?

ME: ?????

PIERRE: Ur past relationships if not why so much anger in ur profile

Let's review my profile briefly. It starts with "I'm a fun AND funny work-a-holic. Life is too short to have a bad time, and thus I always try to maintain my upbeat, positive attitude. I love to laugh and try to surround myself with funny people!" That just RADIATES hostility now, doesn't it? lol

ME: Are you alright? My profile does not convey any anger.

PIERRE: Than my bad

No Scrubs

From: Jessie
Subject: omg
omfg you are so hot you make me want to get naught

From: Jessie
Subject: im the fucknig man
its all good women love me.. we should hang out, maybe .. send me some pics. i kinda like you.... god... we would have so much fun omg..

ME: WHO are you?

From: Jessie
Subject: lol..nevermind
i was just playing around... WHO are you..

From Jessie
Subject: sorry...
i just liked you... beeasy... dont get all carzy,.. its just a profile crush.... ah im tommy btw. How are you doing?

From: Jessie
Subject: nevermind
Playing games with little scubs? I bet you think, Im creepy... You're dumb then and i could care less about you. Keep getting played good luck.

Scubs? I think you meant scrubs, ding dong. I could care less about you too. lol. Glad to see we finally have ONE thing in common!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Dads vs. Deadbeats

31 year old KOOLKID "isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment," smokes and wants children. Clearly, we have nothing in common right off the bat. I try to convey that to him nicely, but as the emails continued to pour in from him, I had to take a more direct approach.

KOOLKID: what you up to today hun and what you looking for on here

ME: Someone that doesn't want kids.

KOOLKID: i dont want kids but if it were to happne ill be there for my kidbut i dont want them

ME: Really?
I just read your profile again and it says:
"Do you want children? Yes"

KOOLKID: yea i know but its not that i want them ment if it happens yea id be there

The next day....

KOOLKID: would you like mme to change that in my profile cause i will

ME: Don't change it for me. Your profile should be an honest reflection of yourself.

KOOLKID: well i dont want you thinking im lying cause im not like that just ment if it happens id be there but i dont want kids

Clearly the "Do you want children?" is misleading for KOOLKID. Maybe they should replace the "Do you want children" with "If you did have a child you did not want, would you be a deadbeat dad?"

A few hours later...
KOOLKID: ok well ill leave you be you dont seem to interested

The Dangers of Copy & Paste

Subject: Hi



ME: ??????

ROCALOVE: i am so sorry about that i accidentally pasted that on here and hit enter. really i am so sorry

i was expecting a police call all day lol

ME: LOL. Very random!

ROCALOVE: lol again i am so sorry, and wish u the best of luck on here i am about to cancel my account to many weirdo's u never know what they are going to write lol

...or what they will copy and paste! ha.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Oh you NOT fancy huh?

Subject: Hi
YANKSFAN: oh you fancy huh?

I just shake my head at the computer screen.

Subject: Hi
YANKSFAN: how bout you pop lock and drop it on my face?

This 21 year old who is interested in "sports and beautiful women" sure does act his age.

ME: If you're looking to meet someone you seriously want to date, you shouldn't be sending crude emails such as this.

YANKSFAN: No way baby I get all the horny ones and I do em real nice


Go Pats!

29 year-old Summer Love is "Looking for the right one!!"

Subject: Hey
SUMMERLOVE: Hey babe.. Would you like to chat?

I'm not a fan of being called 'babe' or 'baby' in any initial correspondence. I don't reply, so he sends another email.

Subject: Good afternoon
SUMMERLOVE: How are you?

ME: Great!

Direct and to the point. Notice I don't dive into a great discussion, because I'm really not interested.

SUMMERLOVE: So were you born and raised here?

Before I can respond, SUMMERLOVE sends another email.

Subject: hey
SUMMERLOVE: I take it you are not interested.. could have stated that from the beginning.

Call me crazy, but isn't the fact that I didn't reply to your initial email and then send a one word reply to your second email, a pretty good indicator that I wasn't interested? Just sayin' But that doesn't stop SUMMERLOVE from sending yet another email.


Why wouldn't he give me his number? Obviously, based on my email correspondence I am just DYING to talk to him!

ME:??? Why would you give me your phone number if you think I am not interested? That doesn't make any sense.

Maybe he thinks I'm playing hard to get?

SUMMERLOVE: Your supposed to call ;)

Or maybe I'm supposed to write this on a men's bathroom wall somewhere? Hmmm....

SUMMERLOVE: Would you like to go to the Patriots game?

As much as I'd love to go to a game, I think I'll have to pass on this one.

Height Issues?

Doktor is an 5' 6 "independently wealthy/head bagger" and definitely not my type.

Subject: hi
DOKTOR: hey what's going on-- am upbeat and love to laugh... do you ever get to Boston? I went to school in Providence and know the area very well--let's get together

ME: Thanks so much for the email but I'd rather date someone that lives right in
Providence. Good luck on here.

DOKTOR: maybe I'm to tall for you


Jerk-Off Pics

29 year old Joseph is "Looking for easy going Gal."

Subject: Hi
OH MY GOSH SO R SO FCKING HOT HOT HOT I WOULD HIT THAT ASS ALL DAY LONG AND THEN SOME!!! Slap that ass!!! you got a nice butt honey.. I bet your sweet as sugar too!
Girl you got it going on. Your not my type but thanks for jerk off pics ha ha lol!!!

Really? I mean REALLY!? I don't understand the mentality behind emails like these. Are you looking to date? Or just hook-up? There's a whole section on for just hook-ups. Maybe Joseph should look there. Oh and there is not ONE single picture of my ass on my profile, so I have no idea how he can infer any type of opinion on my budunkadunk. So instead of replying with a snide comment like I always do, I figure let's really ask what is going on here. So I do.

ME: Why the need to send a crude email?

JOSPEH: you don't like the fact i think your very attractive! Your like the
hottest girl on this silly site, your prob getting few hundred emails a day! later

He couldn't have just sent a polite email stating "I think you're attractive." ?!

JOSEPH: did that make you feel better?

ME: Was it supposed to?
Honestly, if you're trying to meet a nice girl to date, sending emails saying "Thanks for the jerkoff pics" isn't the way to go about it.

JOSEPH: oh if I said Hi! I'm Joseph, bla bla bla I have a degree in Business and Engineering bla bla have owned a business for 10 years bla bla I enjoy kayaking and hiking .... bla bla its boring you would not respond but if i send crap like i did i got a response and a little humor from it

Well, actually....

ME: Honestly, I would have taken you a lot more seriously had you sent something like that instead of "Thanks for the jerk off pics." I have a sense of humor, but that was crude and unclassy.

Best of luck to you on here.

JOSEPH: I you just want to hangout and go for a walk around Newport or something i would be up for that! I'm not much of a bar kind of guy I like the simple things in life.. I also have soft hands and give very good backrubs.. I also think you have the best boobies in the whole wide world!!!

Block user.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

How Do You Feel About GO-TEEs ?

34-year-old ReNard (I think his screen name should be ReTard) " want to travel to Australia in the new future." The new future? As opposed to the old future?

Subject: Hi
ReNard: good afternoon

Me: Howdy

Renard: Hi T. I feel like i won a jackpot. LOL. I have "go tee" facial hair now. Dont you like the facial hair at all? - anton

Who the hell is T!?

Me: Not AT ALL.

ReNard: can we chat?

Me: You'd have to put up at least two more photos for that to happen.

Because as of right now, this is the only photo he has on his profile....
Seriously? Didn't he just say he had a "go tee" ?! Well, where is it? Hmm... My guess is he scanned this photo from an ad.

ReNard: but you said something about the facial hair in the profile

He's obviously not keeping up with the conversation here.

Me: I don't like facial hair AT ALL. Not even a goatee.

ReNard: i can send them [the photos] to your e mail

Me: Why can't you just post them like everyone else?

ReNard: Smart question. I am not comfortable to float my picture in the internet

Me: Well, I'm more into the confident type. Don't think it would work out.

Bye, bye!

Monday, August 23, 2010

One Dump or Two?

Subject: Hi
Rick: your so beautiful id lick your bumm hole till u came lol

Umm...excuse me?

Me: Can I take a dump first?

Because with all the shit he's talking, I think he'd quite like it.

Rick:suuuuure what ever u want as long as i hear you moaning lol ;)

Minutes later....
Rick:sooo does it sound like a plan ? lol

He is certainly eager.

Me: Sure, when my hemroids stop flaring up.

Rick: awww dont worry about them there just lil bumps in the road;) haha


Rick: Hey im ricky by the way , just tryin to get you to laugh and have a lil fun im not really a dirtbag i was havin a good time laugh and thought u where to but you seem like a really cool person and if im not for u i hope u find what u want but just remember u gotta find a guy that thinks your really beautiful and really likes you to lick your butt hole ;) lol jk

Me: You know what they say about first impressions.....

Thanks for the email, but I'm looking to date someone who doesn't mention my anus as an icebreaker. It's rude and inappropriate.

Good luck on here!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Do you have a BONNER?

Subject: Hi
DaveG: I have bonner

24-year-old Dave has a 2-year-old daughter, smokes often, is "much interested in anything that has to do with enjoying life" and is looking for a "looking for a decent girl with a good head on her shoulders." And he has a bonner.

Me: What does that even mean?

DaveG: it means u make my pee pee go boing boing wana fuk

Me: Well first off, you should learn how to spell. It's "BONER" not "BONNER."
Secondly, if you really are looking for "a good girl to get to know," then you shouldn't be sending these immature e-mails.

DaveG: im so sorry that was my stupid friend who sent you those messages i left my computer on once again im very sorry i did look at your profile and i really liked what i saw i would be really interested in getting to know you

Me: You should log out before walking away from your computer. Thanks for the email. Good luck on here.

DaveG: so would you be interested in getting to know a man like me

A "man" like him?! You have got to be kidding me.

Me: No, thank you. I don't date smokers. Best of luck to you on here.

DaveG: ill try and quit for u and i dont smoke alot as it is

And I'm sure recreational drug users don't do a lot of crack as it is either, but I'd prefer to just stay away altogether.

Honestly...GET A LIFE.

Subject: Hi
Honestly: would love to talk ? adam

I'm not really wow'd by his communication skills nor am I a fan of a Colonel Sanders mustache. Something about being able to twirl your facial hair creeps me out.

Me: Hi, Adam!
Thanks for the email, but I'm looking to date someone closer to my age.
Good luck on here.

Honestly: r u sure , would treat you like gold . own my own home and buisness , got a nice bike , boat , hot tub . would b so good 2 u ? love adam

I don't know about you, but the hot tub was almost a deal breaker.

Me: I'm not materialistic. Thanks though!!

Honestly: just got back from federal hill , havnt been ther much its seems nice . wish i could interest you in dinner sometime =(

Ugh. So annoying. How many times and ways do I have to say "not interested" before he gets it!?

Me: I don’t like to eat dinner.

Boom Boom POW

Subject: Hey
MatchBox: my account got deleted, but are you interested in getting a glass of wine?

I had never talked to this 31-year-old from MA before, but thanks for sharing that POF kicked you off. Before I can reply, he sends another email...

MatchBox: can i tell you something personal?

Apparently, he feels an instant connection with me and wants to bare his soul. Great.

Me: ????

Can’t you just tell I’m on the edge of seat here? Oh what do you want to share, MatchBox!? Do tell!

MatchBox: well you won't believe me, but i'm a virgin. i only started dating a year and a half ago, and the woman i went out with wouldn't take my virginity. she said she would, then used it to my advantage, and got mad when i fell in love with her and lost interest.

I mean, seriously?! WTF. WHY are you telling me this and can’t you afford a hooker? They’re cheap enough on CraigsList and then you won’t have tell anyone you’re practicing for the lead role to the sequel of “The 40-Year Old Virgin.”

Me: Is this a joke?

MatchBox: unfortunately no. i was depressed and shy until age 25 (im 27 now...wont let me change it on my profile) have had offers the past couple years but no women i was attracted to other than my ex.

So you’re a virgin AND you don’t know how to appropriately fill out the age section of an online dating site. Nice.

Me: And you're telling me this because?

Did I accidently list “therapist” as my occupation?

MatchBox: sorry...looking for someone understanding i guess

Subject: Sorry
MatchBox: sorry if that was too much info...i just don't like pretending to be someone i'm not. i'm only good at being myself, and when i date, i don't like having to all of a sudden throw that a woman.

i'm not on here looking for someone to hook up with me...what i'm looking for is someone to talk to, get close with, and if we get along, then meet, already knowing that there's some chemistry.

if that's not what you want, that's fine.

Me: Well, I hope you find that understanding person. I'm looking for that boom boom pow.

A few days later...
Subject: Hi
MatchBox: any chance you'd want to hang out and see if we get along? not looking for a hook-up or anything.

Obviously, he's not looking for a hook-up because he's a VIRGIN, but is he a doormat as well?

Subject: Hi
Matchbox: sorry if i scared you off with the virgin's just a monkey on my back right now. the funny thing is, i had a chance to lose it when i was like 19, and she was attractive too...i just wasn't ready yet and wussed out. we were going to go to her house on valentine's day, do it, then go out to eat, and i totally wimped out lol.

I hate monkeys.

Me: Just take some club whore home from the club and get it done already. Stop crying about it.

MatchBox: i want a quality woman, or at least a sober woman.
it's a contradiction in terms i know...wanting casual sex with a woman that isn't a slut.

So, he's gay?

Subject: Hi
Matchbox: i find you very attractive, but you probably aren't interested, eh? women like yourself tend to like guys with experience or cool guys or whatever.

Insert Jeopardy theme song.

Subject: Hi
Matchbox: you alive?

Me: No.

MatchBox: i know i'm not good with words, but i find you attractive.

Me: You've mentioned that ten times.

MatchBox: i can only imagine what you're thinking "who is this guy?" or whatever, but i'm normal in person...sort of lol.

Me: Are you in a Bible study group?

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Beards, Boobs & Bangs

Subject: Hi
Hey whats up?
I'm trying to meet a quality woman for myself.
Honesty and loyalty are a SERIOUS deal to me.
I'm all good. If you want to chat send me a message.
Please read my profile. Its thorough and its the TRUTH.

TRUTH?! Ha. The truth is this 34-year old guy has a beard and lists his body type as "average" when he is clearly overweight/borderline obese. Sorry, but I'm not attracted to guys with beards or man boobs that are bigger than my rack.

ME: Thanks for the email.
However, I prefer to date guys without facial hair.
Good luck on here.

Had he even bothered to read my profile, he would have read that it states I prefer not to date guys with facial hair.

NIBBAN: oops. didnt catch the facial hair part. plus you're a scorpio too.
I read your profile more too. I see HARD CLASH. Sounds to me you need to sow some more wild oats...

As the site is named... plenty of fish...

Have a nice life

I thought that was the last I'd hear from NIBBAN, but oh no, he wasn't done with me just yet.

NIBBAN: I don't even know you and I know you are a bimbo slut.
Rejecting someone because of facial hair is SHALLOW.
Have a good life.

Hope you learn a thing or 2 while because you obviously have alot of growing up to do.

Now, normally I do not post photos of these freaks on my blog, but this guy REALLY pissed me off. He KNOWS I'm a bimbo slut?! Really? lol. So here's what this super classy guy looks like (I blurred it just a little):

I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't immediately shut down my on-line account and run off with him into the sunset.

ME: You say that you're extremely intelligent, but that is clearly not the case. If so, you would have read between the lines. My reply (which in retrospect, I should have just ignored your email) to your email stating that "I do not date males with facial hair" was my nice way of saying " I don't date guys who look like their neck is trying to swallow their head." No wonder why you're single. Act like an adult and learn to deal with rejection.

Focus on growing out your bangs some more and less on emailing perfectly decent women with insulting nonsense.

Have a nice day!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Oh, Joe...

33 year-old Joe is "looking for fun and loveing lady."

Maybe he should look for a spellcheck program instead.

Joe: maybe u like to chat with me

Me: Maybe.

Joe: so what that do you like to do talk or not

Me: Did you see the email you sent me? Wasn't exactly a newspaper article. lol.

Joe: lol i dont now

Well, that makes two of us that don't know.. or now.. whatever you're trying to say.

Joe: well if you like you can text me hare my number 401-450-xxxx

Oh, Joe....

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Joke is on YOU.

Subject: Hey
You had me at, "An adult beverage is appropriate for a first "interview." :)"

ME: ha. :) Thanks for the email, but unfortunately I don't date smokers.

Or for that matter anyone who lists their "Interests" as "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa."

UNCLERE: Unfortunately I don't smoke....

ME: Your profile says.. Smoker: Occasionally

UNCLERE: I was just hitting buttons. Didn't know what to expect from this website so I was a little standofish... Can you relate???

ME: Umm. no.

Because when signing up for a DATING WEB SITE, one would naturally assume you are here to find someone to DATE. Not someone to just read the buttons you just hit.

UNCLERE: Ummm... Then why write back? I am just a new person to this and I am actually...... self conscious.

ME: Because I'm not rude and did not want to ignore your emails.
You should take time to create your profile so it is accurate.

UNCLERE: I din't know this site was actually serious.

Let's read the home page of
We are the dating site your friends talk about.
1. Our members will go on over 18,000,000 dates with other users this year.

2. After taking our chemistry test we match you with personalities that lead to long lasting stable relationships. We match you with users that will meet your emotional needs.

3. Discover Your Relationship Needs. We will tell you what you need in a relationship, where you screwed up (with out knowing it) in past relationships and a customized action plan to make your next relationship successful. We will also give you 33 topics to discuss that are important for long term success.

4. We've been on magazine covers featured in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, The Today Show, CNN, FOX and hundreds of others. But the vast majority of you hear about us because your friends have had a really good experience using our site.

5. You've got nothing to lose! Signup Now its free!

I mean...obviously I can see why he thought this site was a joke. Please.

ME: It's a dating site for people who want to date, make new friends, etc.

UNCLERE: oops... No disrespect.... good luck

UNCLERE: I am learning this quickly and I am amazed it actually works. I appreciate you showing me the ropes. I will update my profile and take it more seriously. If you like what you read send me an email sometime.

ME: Good idea.

So, just for shits & giggles, I take a look at UNCLERE's profile, now that he has decided to seriously update it.

I like to procrastinate and be late, but most of all I LOVE to get drunk and break stuff. My favorite past time is apologizing about the stuff I did the night before. I love to read, especially with a hangover.... nothing says the morning after like cheap coffee and a good book. I'd have to say that I am searching to get a nun to leave the convent.... ditch her habit for a mini skirt, if you know what I mean. My goal in life is the same as every other American's "Get the most by doing the least."


The perfect first date would end with us waking up forgetting each other's names.

Clearly, I am missing out on quite a catch!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

No Wonder Nice Guys Finish LAST

Subject: Your beautiful
Hi my name is michael I am a business owner form the R.I. area looking to meet one very pretty lady like yourself who wants a guy who will always be hoinest with her be loyal to her and treat her like a lady. I hope you have a wonderful day and Hope to be lucky enought to hear from you Thank you michael.

Michael is a 36-year old divorcee, who looks about 50, VERY high forehead with a typical sketchy older man mustache, who looks about as much fun as a wake.

ME: Thanks for the email, Michael, but I think I'm too much of a party club-goer for you. Good luck on here

NICEGUY: Oh no not at all i love parties and i would love to spoil you I am wealthy and a real nice guy what do you say beautiful ?? would you like to chat

Do I look like a gold digger? Is money supposed to woo me?

ME: To be honest, I'd rather not date someone wealthy.

NICEGUY: Please give me a chance I will treat you better than any other guy has I say I a wealthy I mean finacially secure Your drp dead beautiful Please give me a chance you will nt be sorry

Two "please give me a chance" is just one too many for me.

ME: Honestly, I don't date men with facial hair and who have less than 3 photos on this site.

NICEGUY: I shave it off hun for you

ME: I don't want people to change who they are.

NICEGUY: why not give me a chance I would make you very happy !! would yo ulike ot chat i am online

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Next Top Chef

From: RockerTOmmy
Subject: Strip Hold 'Em?
I love Texas hold'm and would love to play you heads up for all the chips.. MMMMM

XXOO Rocker Tommy

Yeaaah, No.

ME: LOL. Funny.

"Funny" as in "haha. Sooooo not ever going to happen." EVER.

ROCKERTOMMY: It'a a bet!

Winner gets to make dinner (or dessert)
ON the loser. Then eat it....

Have you ever been turned into an ice cream sundae? I'm a GREAT cook, very imaginitive... The hot fudge and cold ice cream make for quite a contrast. And guess where the two pinapple rings go?

....I don't even want to know.

So, I reply with...

ME: Up your ass?

Haven't heard back from him yet! :)

From Russia, With Love

From: SovietTiger
Subject: hi
hello sexy

By this point, I'm tired of these emails. SAY SOMETHING BESIDES HI. Put SOME effort in.

I check out this 31-year old's profile:
About Me
i m 31 years old. i came this country 21 years old.i own three resteraunts and i m very hard worker.the most i enjoy is traveling. i love going different parts of world and see and study
diferent cultures and religions. i love trying out diferent countries food.
what kind of music i like hm depends on my goal is to become one of the richest man in the world.
p.s i didnt put my picture because lots of people know me and i dont wana them caling me and teling o saw u on web side.i m kind a shi about this. i tell u what i m not ugly.i have a personal woman trainer at gym who keeps me on shape.i go gym twice a week.

First Date:
my first date i ll meet her with 100 white roses. i ll ofer her to go new york we can do shoping at 5 th ave. then i ll take her to comedy show. then we go to have a diner.if she is not drunk yet lol i l take her club and we can dance lol. i realy dont know what i will do i guess its depents on which kind a girl she will be.

WHAT!? No photo, no response from me.

But that doesn't stop our little soviet from sending me another email!

SOVIETTIGER: hi u r very beautiful i m hoping maybe we can chat

ME: You'll need to put a pic up first.

Because, let's face it. He could really be a 300lb. woman named Bertha.

SOVIETTIGER: i m so ugly camera broke down on me,
i have to first figure out how to put my picture on.or i can text u my picture if u give me your number

Calm down, KGB. Not so fast!

SOVIETTIGER: u can check my picture now

These are the photos he posts:

"age 18 serving russian special forces (bottom pic)"

This looks like he stole it from a "Join the KGB Today!" marketing campaign advertisement.

"russian intense training"

"riding in the back"

No wonder the USSR fell apart.

Going Going Back Back to Cali Cali

From: WD
Subject: Hi

33 year-old Navy guy Danny lists his Sign as "South Carolina." Really? He's currently living in California.

ME: Hi

WD: I'm. Danny how are u. I'm in the area for the week. Let's get to know each other ..maybe have dinner

ME: For the week?I'm not looking to date a tourist. Good luck on here!

I barely have time for myself, never mind to have dinner with someone who is in the area for a week. I'd rather have dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a while - or someone I could potentially date that lives in the area. NOT California.

2 minutes later, he fires off another email:
WD: I'm down for that interview

ME:You're in California.

WD: I'm here in westfield ma. Where r u

ME: Your profile says CALIFORNIA.

Danny, do you not know how to read? I'm in RHODE ISLAND. Your profile says CALIFORNIA. We're working with two different coasts here

WD: We can meet for coffee or dinner...let's see if we have chemistry

ME: Ummm..where in California? I'm living in RI.

DW: I'm here...come on ...I'm just looking to meet miss right

ME: Go meet her in CALIFORNIA.

DW: girls up here are mean

No, Danny. We're not mean. We just know what we want and don't want to waste our time. Does my profile say I'm looking for a new pen pal? No. I'm looking to date someone in RHODE ISLAND (or nearby. lol).

Must Love Dogs

From: WTB
Subject: Hi

WTB is a 40 year old male. His profile:

About Me:
I am a professional swm seeking single independent,professional female for dating and possible long term relationship. I enjoy sports, music and travel. I have a yellow lab named "bo" that I adore and rescued from a shelter

First Date: Dinner, meet for a drink, or take dog(s) for a walk

I take a look at his photos. He has four. THREE of Bo and one of himself kneeling and hugging Bo.

I reply....
ME: Hi.

You send me a simple thoughtless e-mail., you're going to get one back.

WTB: would you be interested in chatting sometime? Bob

Well, that depends, Bob. Am I going to be dating you or your dog?

ME: Why do you have more pics of your dog up than you?

WTB: because he is better looking

I don't even know what to say to that.

WTB: do you have AIM?

ME: do you have any photos without your dog?

WTB: I do not, I only have a few cheesy cell phone pics

Who doesn't have photos of themselves? It's 2010!! Seriously. Go to Wal-mart and buy a $4 disposable camera. End of story.

Excuses Vs. Reasons

Subject: hi
hi how are you ? My name is Al Can we talk ?

I take a look at Al's profile....
He only has one photo up and his only interest is "Someone special."

ME: Sorry, but you live too far away. Good luck on here.

ZYCLO: That's not a excuse. I have a car.

I don't car if you have a jet. Go away.

ME: It's not an excuse, it's a reason. I don't have time to be dating someone that lives more than 20 min. away.

Translation: Go away.

ZYCLO: I can move if you want.

Please, don't do me any favors.

ME: That's ok.

ZYCLO: we can have dinner sometime and you think about it.

Think about WHAT? Having dinner with you or having you move closer? I'm all set with both.

ME: I don't want kids. You do. It will never work.

ZYCLO: we can buy a puppy. A york shire. Do you like ?

I'd like it if I could put a cyber muzzle on you, actually.

ME: I like cats.

ZYCLO: ok. Then, We'll buy a cat. Problem solved.

ZYCLO: Alright. i won't bother you anymore. Have a nice week.



Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Forget YOU

From: MK
Subject: Hey
very nice...i like what i see

I mean really, what kind of conversation starter is that?

Surprise, surprise. MK's default is of him lifting up his shirt and showing off his abs.

ME: thanks!

MK: how are you? what's your name? do u have facebook? you're so cute

Calm down, stalker. He has his FB listed, so I check it out. DING DING DING! I thought he looked familiar. This guy is always out and about with my friend Henry. He has never once bothered to introduce himself to me, but now he wants to tell me I'm cute?! Please.

ME: You're killing me. lol
I've seen you out and about a million times and you've never offered to buy me a drink. :P

MK: you've seen me out? LOL where? why didn't you come up to me?? trust me...if i saw you out..i'd buy u a drink....with that face...

do u know me?

text me XXX- XXXX

ME: I think we've been introduced a few times. lol.
You must know my friend Henry XXXX?

MK: yes i'm good friends with me more

ME: What more is there to tell? lol

MK: forget this

Forget YOU, buddy. Seriously. You can't put any effort into saying hello when you see me in real life, never mind an online conversation.

Funny Lookin' Is As Funny Lookin' Does

Subject: Texas Hold 'Em
I'm almost embarassed to admit this but I've never played Texas Hold 'em, but I am willing to learn! Although I frequent Twin River aka "the Riva" I stick to 5 card video poker. I also think my hair looks funny in this pic.
Your job sounds interesting.

Not only does his hair look funny, but so does his face. Sorry! But it's true.

According to DLESS's profile, "Also, the site has me listed as a non-smoker but I fell off the's not bad, just a few a day." Just a few cigarettes a day makes you a SMOKER!

ME: It is!Good luck learning!

DLESS: Am I that funny looking?

Is this guy psychic or just insecure?

ME: Did I say that? I'm actually looking to date someone closer to my age.

DLESS: Okay, I usually look to see if you put any age range under the mail settings, you can do that. For instance if you want to meet someone between 25-32 you can adjust your profile. Anyway, I didn't see an age range so i thought I'd give it a try. Some women don't mind an older guy.

And thank you, DLESS, for the computer lesson.

Note that I don't put an age range because I like to use the "I'd like to date someone my age." as my get out of jail free card.

Monday, February 1, 2010

POF poetry

From: Eli
Subject: Hi
hi, my name elias.
i'm student at ccri, my major computer programming, i'm interested in drawing, playing tennis, bascketball, and much more. i've seen ur site and u seem a nice person, to be honest i wanna get to know u better. so why dont u tell me more about urself?


Eli looks like the angry artist type. He's only 22 years old.
His profile:

art poems fishing
tennis lifting bike riding
rock climbing hiking


First Date:
Anything comes to mind

Clearly, he's not THAT serious about meeting someone on here because he didn't take any time to fill out his "About Me" section. What does "AAAAAA" tell me about him besides the fact that he's lazy!?

ME: Hi, Eli. Thanks so much for the email, but I'm looking to date someone closer to my age. Good luck on here!

ELI: i am close to your age, there's a year between us not a big deal.
by the way ur gonna date the person not his age. :)
but if u looking for the most handsome guy in america, thats a different story.
but i want u to know that i really see in u the woman i wanna date.
there's 12 months in a year
4 weak in a month
7 days in a weak
24 hours in a day
60 minutes in an hour
60 seconds in a minute
but theres only one of u in a life time

what i'm trying to say that i'll probably find someone else, but not as good as u, cause ur impossible to find
i would love to have a dinner with u, so we can talk
and u can do that with a friend u dont like
so what u say?


ME: Are your math skills lacking? You're 22. I'm 28. That is not a year between us. It's over half a decade, actually.

You've come to the conclusion that you see in me - a woman you really want to date - based on my profile. However, I have no idea if I'd even want to speak to you because the only time you took to fill out your "About Me" section consisted of holding down the "a" key.

And to clarify, I don't have any friends that I don't like. If I did, they wouldn't be my friend!

I suggest you actually take the time to fill out your profile and show you're serious about dating someone instead of just filling it with "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa."

Can you tell that I'm tired of being nice to these whackjobs that JUST DON'T GET IT!?

ELI: cause when i sign in i wasnt serious about the whole dating thing over internet, till i met u. i'm sorry, if i'm been rude with u.
but we can get to know each other right now.
i'm an honest guy straight to the point.
i'm lebanese,
i live in providence.
my major is computer programming
i love to draw, write poems.
my hobbies are sports, i love any kind of sports.
i go to gym 3 times a weak
so are u from around here?
what's ur nationality?

Now, I'm just going to mess with him. :)

ME: I'll consider a date if you write me a poem.

- Princess of the Portuguese Empire

ELI: ok princess, this poem meant to be written for u
it's from my own words

your eyes like the moon shines through the night
your face like the sun glows so bright
you're like a desease cant fight

your lips like a river runs so deep
your smile like a triger put me to sleep
you're like a jewel mine to keep

your heart like a diamond forever i will hold
you're like a treasure full of gold

so we should call it a date.

ME: I'm like a disease?!? Like what? AIDS?!

ELI: not exacly. u know what i meant by saying that, i didnt say u are a disease. i meant ur like a spirit cant fight.
anyway why u changing the subeject
do u wanna be my date?

ME: No, thank you.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

When does smoking count as NOT smoking?

From: NELE
Subject: Hey
Hey, my name is XXX and i saw your profile and would like to get to you you a little better. I am 31, from Bristol, RI..i currently am a cook and am pursuing a degree in elementry education. I hope you respond and look forward to hopefully chatting with you soon. I do have more pictures if you would like to see them

According to his profile, he smokes. Gross.
And he only has one photo up - a side shot at that. Suspect.

ME: Hi, Nelson!
Thanks so much for the email, but I don't date smokers. Good luck on here!

NELE: im actually on the nicorette program with smoking only when i drink

I don't date drug users either, but apparently, if you only blow lines when you drink, I guess that's supposed to be acceptable.

ME: That still counts as smoking.

NELE: true....cant argue that

FINALLY. He gets it!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Tool Academy

Subject: Hi
Hello, I like ur pics & profile ! Drop me an e mail If ur Interested !

This 38 year old's default photo is of him wearing a polo shirt tucked into his jean shorts, with his cell phone clipped to this belt. Umm, nope, not interested.

ME: Thanks for the email, but I'm looking to date someone closer to my age. Good luck on here!

WAVEENT: I'm sorry I though I was e mailing an adult ! U are pushing 30 ya know ! One day u will c that age Is only a number !

Not only does this guy dress LIKE a tool, but he acts the part as well. I should have emailed him back with "Sorry, your jorts deserve a phone call to the fashion police, not interested," instead of my rather nice reply.

ME: Well, thank you, Captain Obvious, but lucky for me I don't look like I'm pushing 30.

I was trying to be nice and reply to your email, instead of just ignoring it. You in turn send a rude email, proving exactly what I thought - you are DEFINITELY not my type. I don't date tools.

Good luck on here.

WAVEENT: I'm really not a tool but ur definately a snob !

ME: You should really work on your manners.
Translation: Go fuck yourself.

WAVEENT: I don't care. It's not like i'm going to go out with you. get a grip.

He should get a grip...on his manhood..because clearly he is the only one gripping it!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

SOMETIMES Good Things Come In Small Packages...but only if they're from Tiffany's!

Subject: Hi There
Hi i'm Bryce,Im 22 years old, i live in RI and i am looking to join the air force next summer. I am 4'11 and i have Hypochondroplasia which makes me a little person. I love meeting new people and im a nice outgoing guy. I read your profile and you seem like really nice person and would like to know more about you. Message me back please if you'd like to get to know each other more.

Holy midget.

ME: Hi, Bryce!

Thanks so much for the email. To be honest, I'm looking to date someone older who does not want kids. Good luck on here.

That's my politically correct way of saying, "I do not want to date a little person."
I'm sorry, but I don't!

BRYCE: You dont want kids?

Um, you don't know how to read?

ME: Not at all.

BRYCE: Is it ok if i ask how come?

Because the baby will be taller than you.

ME: I just have no interest in raising a family. I don't have the patience. I like to come and go as I please and would prefer to travel. :)

BRYCE: lol ooo ic, well i dnt have 2 have kids lol

ME: lol. Well, you're still too young for me.

Translation: I'll always be towering over you.

BRYCE: lol it wouldnt hurt to try 2 get to kno the person 1st


ME: ....and it wouldn't hurt for me to try octupus soup either, but i'd just rather not. :) Good luck on here!

BRYCE: ok thanx u 2

FINALLY..he gets it!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Time to Buy Stock in Hooked on Phonics

Subject: Hi
wats up beautiful wat u up2 this beautiful afternnon muuuaaahhh

Ce22 is a 22-year old male.
About Me
wats up ladies hows it going u have a great funny down to earth guy who loves sports movies music p3 looking for ladies that love the social life u kno overall killers with the looks the smile idk honestly if ur tired of fn lookin come talk 2 a dude that's a real good guyy for real no bs idk if interested hit it up

I'm just to be blunt with this one.

ME: Working. Good luck on here!

CE22: wow ok thats all im tryna get at ya bot on othas on here

????? I am going to buy some serious stock in Hooked on Phonics. EVERYONE on needs a copy.

Sim Simma..Who's Got the Keys to My Porsche?

Subject: Hi from Joe

Good morning,

Your profile and pictures caught my attention. I find you very attractive and very refreshing looking, need I say more? :)

Check out my profile and photos and let me know if you're spontaneous enough to accept my invitation to take you out for a lovely dinner sometimes soon, or just a drink..

I look forward to hearing back from you soon!

Keep smiling beautiful :)

Joe's profile does not catch my attention, nor is he very "refreshing looking."

Me: Morning, Joe!

Thank you for the lovely email!
I'd prefer to date someone that lives closer to me.

Good luck on here!

JOE: Hi and thanks for replying, and let me explain if I may :) I only live 20 min from Providence, I am in Norwood. You consider that far? I hope you reconsider because I promise not to disappoint if we meet. Take a chance you will not regret it.


Me: Joe, my gf lives in Norwood and I don't drive out to see her. lol

Translation: What the hell makes you think I'm going to drive out there to see YOU!?

JOE: But I have no problem driving to Providence, I am always there and with my Porsche it only takes me 15 min lol! but hey if you're not attracted then I respect your wish and I mean it. But if it is not the case, I still would love to meet you. Life is short and I am not :)

I hope you respond back with a positive response next time :)

He just HAD to mention he drives a Porsche. So he's either ok with dating a gold digger or has a small penis.

I don't reply in a timely fashion, so he sends yet another email.

JOE: Fine be rude and don't respond, yuck..

To be honest, I'm getting a little tired of nicely rejecting these whackjobs. A little dig is in order.

Me: You must have been driving your porsche so fast you missed my response.
What's RUDE is you not waiting for me to reply and firing off another email.

JOE: I am not being mean but to read my email and not respond when I have been nothing but kind and sweet towards you made me dissapointed, I never got your
response geez lol! :) ok I am listening and it better be a good one :)

KIND AND SWEET!?!?! WTF. You sent me an email, you goofball. Should I consider those emails I get from Africa looking to give me $1 million if I open a bank account for them kind and sweet too!?

Me: I don't date men who are easily dissapointed or who overuse smiley faces.
Good luck on here!

JOE: Ok :) thanks :) good :) luck :) to :) u :) too :)

Joe :) :) :)

Good riddance.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

TOTAL Misfit

Subject: Breathtaking
Wow you are Breathtaking. Seems like we might have a few things and common and could have a amazing time together. Are you open to older men at all?? I am not a player or looking for a one time thing. I would love the chance to get to know the women behind those amazing eyes.

Read my profile I think we might click

Any plans tonight??

I'm not opposed to dating older men; just men who can't add. He's only TWO years older than me. That and the only two photos he has up are the ones he took in the bathroom himself from 10 feet away.

ME: Thanks for the email!
Not sure what I'm doing yet tonight.
To be honest, I absolutely DO NOT want kids..and I read that you do.

MISFIT: Trust me I don't think I want kids either at this point.

Then why does your profile say you want children? Hmm..

ME: LOL and why is that?

MISFT: My friends have kids and after seeing how those kids act doesn't really seem like something that is for me.

MISFT: Maybe meet for a drink sometime?

No reply from me.

MISFIT: Do you maybe want to meet for a drink this weekend? My number is 401-xxx-xxxx Matt. Yours? Don't worry not some creeper :)

Really? Why is my gut telling me otherwise?

Now, Misfit keeps emailing me, sometimes I answer - sometimes I don't. That doesn't stop him from firing away emails though.

MISFIT: Any plans tonight?

ME: Drunken bowling. You?

MISFIT: No plans yet. Just got up from last night. Drunken bowling sounds fun:)

MISFIT: So why are you on Pof? I am sure u have no problem meeting guys.

Me: I meet a lot of people...just no one I have any sparks with. You?

MISFIT: The same. I am looking for sparks as well . Seems sparks can't be found in bars and other such places. So here I am :)

MISFIT: So what should I know about you? What makes you different and you?

MISFIT: So when we meeting for drinks?

ME: When you decide you DO NOT want kids and put up some pics that you didn't take yourself. lol.

This is where it starts to get really good...

MISFIT: I dont want kids ok. Are you saying I am ugly.?? Just meet me for a drink I am smoking hot you might fall in love at first sight.

Smoking hot? Really? REALLY?

ME: No, I'm not saying you're ugly.
But the only pics you have are two which you took yourself.
Usually pics taken by and with others indicate that you have friends and are not a psycho.

MISFIT: LOL I have many friends people love me. I am a pretty big deal people know me ;) .... jk

Whats your cell number I will text you some pics silly goose.

ME: ...or you can just post them on your profile.

If this guy thought I was going to give him my cell number, he's out of his mind.

MISFIT: I dont want to post them on my profile. I really dont want people to know I am on this site. I would never here the end of it.If i had your number I could send some amazing pics and we could chat so you would be able to see I am not a crazy bat.

..and if you had my number, I'd probably have to change it.

ME: Honestly, I'm not embarrassed to be dating online and I couldn't date someone who is embarrassed by it.

MISFIT: lol can you just give me a chance. Trust me I have a very good reason for me not wanting people to see me on here.

You are a tuff nut to crack

And you are just a nut.

ME: Very good reason? And that is? What? You're married?

MISFIT: No my gf passed away a year and a half ago from cancer. Just would not like her family and friends to see me. Sounds silly but just how I feel.

A drink really couldnt hurt could it?

OHHHHHHHHHHh...he dropped the cancer card!

ME: I'm really sorry to hear that, but I highly doubt her friends and family expect you to never date again.

MISFIT: I know this but still.
Anyways. So where do you see your self in the next five years?

Not with you.

ME: On TV.

MISFIT: on tv doing what?

ME: Reality show.

MISFIT: What type of show?

ME: Any.

Most likely a reality show involving how I meet whackjobs like you on-line.

MISFIT: I can help with that I am a proskater and I have a cuz that works for MTV/VH1

Now, he's a proskater too?

MISFIT: I will give you her email if you want you can contact her.

I'd rather you not do me any favors, weirdo.

ME: Well, I really wanted to be on Tough Love Season 2.
Got called to NYC for a 3rd interview, but didn't make the cut.

Hold're a PRO SKATER that's afraid to post pics? odd.

MISFIT: Yes I skate for AntiHero. I dont care about people to notice me or about fam. I hate that part of proskating trust me you will see if you get on TV. It kinda ruins it for me. I just like to skate. LOL are you trying to be famous.

ME: Sure am. LOL.

MISFIT: Why? its not all its cracked up to be. Trust me if you want your soul taken away and like to be around drugs and thieves.

ME: I work in the nightclub industry.
I'm already surronded by drugs and thieves.

MISFIT: Well I can introduce you to people. Dont say I didnt warn you.

Well, you definitely didn't warn me about what a desperate creep you are, that's for sure.

MISFIT: Do you act? If you can act you are better off doing that. In reality you are type cast as talentless. Your career wont last. Trust me I see and hear it all the time.

ME: No acting skills here.

MISFIT: lol then whats is your big plan? What are you going to do when the reality show is over? I am friends with peter manfrado from the contender. He is hella broke now and cant pay his bills and is not even 30 yet.

Go to college kid forget the reality nonsense.

Go to college? I have my MBA. Did this guy even READ my profile??

MISFIT: Sorry not trying to be rude. You seem beautiful and smart you could just do so much more.

I SEEM beautiful? I have pictures up. Either I'm beautiful or I'm not.

ME: I already have my MBA.

MISFIT: Good :) So what is it about reality tv that draws you in?

MISFIT: Lets just get drinks

MISFIT: Lets do a photoshoot

With what? You and your Fisher Price camera?

ME: ?

MISFIT: I am a photographer. I do mostly black and white and I would like to do a shoot with you.

MISFIT: Come on would a photoshoot be that bad? I can send you example of my work if you want? Email?

So, he's proskater AND a photographer? According to his profile, he's VP of Loan Operations.

ME: Is this a joke?

MISFIT: No it's not a joke at all. I don't play games or lie.

MISFIT: Whats your email I will send you some of my photo work?

NO YOU CANNOT HAVE MY EMAIL. He fills my POF inbox. I don't need him blowing up my yahoo account as well.

MISFIT: do you not photograph well?

ME: You're a photographer who won't upload pics? Oh the irony.

Define "we"

Subject: hi
Good morning beautiful, how are you doing today, and everyday?

ME: Great!

Simple questions receive simple answers

ROB: So what's your name, and is it possible to get to know you? I'm Rob by the way.

Rob is a 39-year old black male from Dorchestor, MA. His About Me section states "I feel after sex is involved everything changes either for better or worst." Definitely not my type.

ME: Hi, Rob.
I'm looking to date someone who lives within 20 min. of me.
Good luck on here!

Translation: GO AWAY

ROB: so that mean we can't be friends

ME: To be honest, I have enough friends.

You know that old song "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" Well, why would I want to be your friend if I don't want to date you!

ROB: so what can we be

Well, you can be annoying and I'll be blunt.

ME: We can be two people who don't know each other.

Monday, January 4, 2010

To Catch a Predator

Subject: heyy
hey hun wats up

I click on GetAtMe's profile.
He's 19.
All set.
I don't want to be on MSNBC's To Catch a Predator anytime soon.

ME: You're a little too young for me. Good luck on here.

GetAtMe: id show u a good time baby

Baby? Who's the baby!? I'm 10 years older than you, kiddo.
You can't even BUY me a drink!

And so, I tell him that.

Me: Good time? You're not even old enough to buy me a drink.

GetAtMe: i could hun ur sexy n beaytiful

Maybe he should lay off the online dating and head back to spelling class.

Clearing Things Up...AGAIN

Please read the September posting titled "Clearing Things Up" before reading this.

Remember Shawn from POF?

He's baaaaaaaaack.

After a hiatus from POF, I'm back.
And who contacts me yet again? Creepy Shawn.

Subject: Hello
Just noticed you on here. I would love to chat sometime if you are up for it

I immediately recognize Shawn and click delete.

Suject: Hi
Hey can we talk a bit ?

Ugh. No, Shawn, I do not want to talk to you.
If I WANTED to talk to you, I would have replied to your FIRST email.

Btw, The guy STILL to this day IMs me asking me out on dates for THAT night.

ME: We chat already.

Subject: Hi
I haven't heard from u in a while..What is new with you ?

You haven't heard from me in a while, because I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

SHAWN: What are your plans for this weekend ?

ME: Drinking.

SHAWN: Sounds fun. Do you want to meet up?

ME: Haven't we tried this already?

SHAWN: No we haven't ..

Oh, yes, we have, but he just forgot.

Few days later...

SHAWN: Can I take you to a nice dinner ?

The Next Richard Simmons?

Subject: how's your day goin
hey you

Talk about a man of many words. Let's check out FitGuy's profile...

29-year old FitGuy is online looking for friends, has a degree in Fitness.
Checking out the scenery
About Me

Weird. Nothing written in his About Me section.

ME: Hi! Freezing in my office. Can't wait for 4:30pm to come.
Hope your day is going better than mine. lol.

FITGUY: i'll warm u up!!! lol oh im in my office at home on the phones all day babe ;( producers and i have a meeting and the tv station later and dinner with one of my agents.eehh im nervous!!! kinda. more like excited i am about to air my own fitness tv show on tv!!!!!! well, not to mention dealing with sexual harassment because i didnt want to screw my manager which looks like scare crow!!! AAAAHhhaahahah


ME: Sounds exciting....
Fitness TV Show...on public access?

FITGUY: yeah along with a website, sponsors from all over the world.:)

Sponsors from all over the world? For a public access show? Riiiiiiiight.

It's a small world...and even smaller in RI

Subject: Hi, I'm Bri
Hi, my name is Brian. Whats yours?

Im big into wine. I read a book called "red wine for dummies" so I'm pretty good with it now...I dont like to brag.

I love a good game of poker too!

What do you do for work work-a-holic?

If you want to chat you should message me back.

I look at the small, side profile default pic.
Hmm...this guy looks familiar.

I click on his profile...

HE WORKS WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!

Granted, he's in another department and fairly new to the company, but we have met. We've even had drinks together at an after-work function.
How does he not recognize me!?


Everybody look at me cause I'm sailin on a boat

Subject: Hi
BOATMAN: Hi my name is XXXX. I noticed your profile
and wanted to drop you a note with the hope
of getting to know you better. Im 28 I live in
newport and work on a sail boat here. I was
a paramedic for along time but got a little
burnt out on it took a summer off to sail and
havent gone back. I am a huge sports fan
especially the red sox and bruins. I also read
alot mostly history stuff since I am a closest
geek that isnt quite in the closet. Well I dont
want to ramble on here so I hope to hear
back from you.

Boatman has a Paul Bunyan beard (so not my type).
Let's take a look at his profile...

28 Year Old Male
Profession: Sailing/ Ski Patrol
Hi my name is XXX. I am a real cool laidback down to earth guy. I am basically looking for cool chill girls out there to talk to and hopefully hang out with, and see where it goes from there. I live an interesting life where I have managed to find ways to get paid to either do things I enjoy or work at places like ski resorts and get to ski for free. Most people cant understand my life style which is understandable. Im hoping to find someone that can. Despite my employment I am inteligent, well read, and can hold a conversation. Once people get to know me they find me an interesting person. I figured I would give this a shot and see if anything comes from it.

I am a work-a-holic and honestly, I don't appreciate his lifestyle.

So I let him down easy...

ME: Hi, XXX!
Thanks for the email.
I think I might be a little too much of a crazy party animal for you. lol.
Good luck on here!

BOATMAN: Thanks for getting back. I suppose that was a nice way of letting me down easy but from it I doubt you have ever spent any time with people who make their living sailing boats.

Wtf is THAT supposed to mean?
And, buddy, I'm Portuguese. We came over here ON a boat.

ME: No, probably because I don't know how to swim and hate being on boats.

BOATMAN: Thats a good reason

Ya think?