Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Good News vs. Bad News

31-year old Sean sends me an email with a gift attached (on POF you can use your points to purchase online graphics and attach them to your email as a "gift").

Subject: Hey how are you
Sean: (Image of Wine Glass)

and what kind of glass would that be?

Me: Always red and always a chianti.

I check out his profile. Definitely not my type.

Sean: How does the top of the hub sound?...What time should the limo pick you up?

Me: haven't been there in years.

Notice, I didn't give him a time or ask him any questions. I'm not interested, but don't want to be mean!

Sean: That's going to change..... finally a girl that appreciates a nice date!

Me: I appreciate bad ones too. lol Where the hell is Hull, MA anyhow??

I'm lining it up to tell him that he's just too far of a drive for me. Translation: I'm not interested.

Sean: I am on the ocean about a hour from Providence.

And we've got the green light to send...

Me: To be honest, it's a hike for me.

Sean: who said you would be making the drive?

Uh oh.

Me: Well, at some point I'd have to, and to be honest with work, I don't have the time for a lengthy commute.

Sean: wow your pretty optimistic.... good newz I am in the process of moving I just started my own car dealership I mostly buy and sell on e bay and Hull in at the end of the earth plus I Sold my share of the house awhile ago thank goodness it a 3k mortgage... so I am looking for a place around Brockton and that only a 35 min drive... why do you thimk I am messaging you in RI?



Me: I am optimistic, but I'm also realistic.


Are cheesy compliments supposed to change my mind!?

Me: Yes, you did. Thanks.

He doesn't seem to understand that my abrupt answers indicate that I have no desire to banter back and forth with him.

Sean: lets do this one game of heads up hold em if I win we go to capital grill on you if you win limo and top of the hub?you call me its all over!

Ok, so now he wants ME to take HIM to the CAPITAL GRILL!? He's lucky if I buy him something off the Wendy's dollar menu.

Sean: we will pick this up on a later date good night!

Begging for Friends...

Meet Kenny.. a 25 year-old black male who doesn't list his profession and his only interest is "sexy." How is that an interest?

According to his profile, he is online looking for someone to "Talk/Email."

Kenny's profile:

About Me
i have this key...
it is the key to my heart
i want you to have it
please keep it safe
and do not abuse it or lose it
for i would not know what to do
you are the only person i want
to hold the key to my heart.
you are the keeper of the key to my heart

WHAT!? This tells me NOTHING about you. NOTHING.

First Date
If you want somebody rich,
don`t choose me.
There are others richer than me.

If you want somebody smart,
don`t choose me.
There are others smarter than me.

If you want somebody pretty,
don`t choose me.
There are others prettier than me.

If you want the love,
choose me.
There is nobody who loves you more than me

Kenny....THAT IS NOT A DESCRIPTION OF A FIRST DATE. If I want someone who can read and comprehend, then I won't choose you. And why can't I have someone who is smart, pretty, successful AND who loves me?

Subject: Happy Xmas
Kenny: Hey beautiful

If you're going to partake in online dating, at least READ the person's profile and comment on something that is there. ANYTHING. "Hey beautiful" is so generic.

Me: Merry Christmas to you as well.

I don't ask Kenny any leading questions, because frankly, I'm not interested.
Does he get it? NOoooooooooooooo.

Kenny: what going on with u for the day.

Geez, I don't know, Kenny. Maybe going to the store to get you a copy of Hooked on Phonics for Christmas.

Me: Opening presents.

Again, notice I don't ask anything about him!

Kenny: cool, i will like to more about u. by the way my name is Kenny.


Me: I'm looking to date someone older than me. Good luck on here!

This is my nice way of saying, I AM NOT INTERESTED. GO AWAY.

Kenny, doesn't read between the lines so well...

Kenny: wht do u mean , it not about the age, it all about the mentality.

I don't reply, so he sends another email.

Kenny: comeon, u keep viewing my profile, i no u thinking in yur mind, if ushould or not. am been real

What?! English?! And no, I do not keep viewing your profile. Trust me on this!

Me: Umm..I really haven't though. lol. Good luck on here!

Kenny just does not give up!

Kenny: am not trying to get married on here , just trying to make friends okay, we can be friends,

Honestly, do you want to be friends with someone with someone who you have to BEG to be their friend? NEXT!

Run On Sentences

From: Chris C
Subject: Hey whats up
wow you like boxing thats exciting and I fkn love law an order I like the csi shows too I think their all good I didnt see that true blood show but i really like vampire movies first date I would say a drink at a nice kind of upscale bar not a dive or pending on what time a cup of coffee I dont know if youve ever seen it but operation repo is the fkn bomb people do crazy sh*twhen their cars are gonna get taken away oh I like parking wars to hit me up whenever and have a nice xmas take care

Holy run on sentence! I read his profile and surprise, surprise, it's also one big run on sentence. At the age of 32, you should at least know how to use a period.

Chris C's profile:
About Me
I want to meet a girl that is really pretty really nice absolutely doesnt smoke grossest thing in the world not an alcoholic not a control freak not heavy not the argumentitve type cant stand that If you want to argue go be a lawyer but a girl that is happy loveable and wants to have unconditional fun I have a dog his name is Capone if you dont love dogs it will never work Im not really the outdoorsy type I live in Providence but if my girlfriend wanted me to go hiking or whatever like outdoors people do then I would do it for her Oh yeah one last thing If your a gold digger go dig somewhere else money ruins relationships Ive never judged any girl on how much money they make that has nothing to do with their qualities Im proud of them no matter what to many people base their relationships on money thats why the divorce rate is sky high as long as the person is working and trying to better themselves that shouldnt be overlooked I have my own home If a girl was beatiful nice and not heavy and treated me with respect why would I care how much she makes who cares where she works Ill stand by her no matter what relationships should have nothing to do with money but how people treat each another when I have a girlfriend I like to spoil them some girls dont like that but thats how I am eventually some girl will appreciate it who knows maybe I can meet someone normal for once Thank You for listening to what I have to say

First Date
Well first I would ask her what she feels like doing then If she doesnt know I would suggest that we go for a drink probably somewhere not to loud so I can talk to her and get to know her a little better usually girls dont like to eat on the first date so I wouldnt go the dinner route I think the rose route is a little to much at first later on if shes hungry we could go and eat latenight somewhere and talk somemore Country music is an absolute no this is Providence not Texas Country Music should be another means of punishment in the Judicial System I cant stand that crap but at the end of the night if I had a great time I would ask her what her schedule was like an what would be the best time to call her

So, he wants a girl that is "not heavy." I'm definitely not a stick, so I'll use that as an excuse to not talk to him anymore.

ME:Thanks for the email!
I'm not a fan of CSI to be honest. lol
What is Parking Wars?
You realize that you said twice in your profile you prefer to date a female who is "not heavy." Hate to break it to you, but I'm by no means skinny!

CHRIS C: honey what do you mean your beautiful what do you weigh like a buck 20 if that I just dont want girls that are humongus sending me messages thats all Im not a chubby chaser parking wars is meter maids handing out tickets to people in the city of phillie people go crazy when they get a ticket operation repo is a really cool show to peoples cars get repoed I dont think your fat at all you look great to me

120? LOL. I haven't seen 120 since high school.
I didn't reply quickly enough, so he sent another email...

CHRIS C: honey what do you mean your beautiful what do you weigh like a buck 20 if that I just dont want girls that are humongus sending me messages thats all Im not a chubby chaser parking wars is meter maids handing out tickets to people in the city of phillie people go crazy when they get a ticket operation repo is a really cool show to peoples cars get repoed I dont think your fat at all you look great to me

CHRIS C: I sent you a message but my coputer or this site was freezing up a little meat is ok I just dont want whales calling me Im not into bigger women but believe or not alot of guys are I think your beautiful you look really good to me girls always think their a little fat your definitely not what I ment by heavy was gigantic you know like 3 or 4 hundred lbs parking wars is a show of meter maids giving out tickets peoples cars getting towed people go crazy its a pretty good show you would probably like it message me anytime take care merry xmas babe

Monday, December 28, 2009

Some people just don't get it....

Subject: Aww
Brad: checked me out but didnt message me :(..providence isnt that far and you def seem worth the drive ;)..hottest part of your you fit scorpio to a well as i do ;)...LOVE LOVE LOVE the naughty scorpios ;)...hope you write back. youre the perfect little spoon size ;)


I check out Brad's profile and no, he's not my type... AT ALL.
And "perfect little spoon size" ?! What is he? Hannibal Lector?

Me: lol..thanks....
Definitely am too busy to date someone more than 20 min away.
Good luck on here!

That is my nice way of saying, HEY NOT INTERESTED.
Does Brad get the hint? Nope.

BRAD: haha seriously??? thats the only thing stopping you? i actually work alot closer...and like i said...worth the drive...i like that you have your own life and that you dont need me EVERYDAY...will give us a chance to miss each other ;)

I don't want to get to know you..what makes you think I want to MISS you!?

I don't reply, so he sends another email.

Subject: OUCH
BRAD: oh well...maybe even worth a move....but ok good luck

ME: thanks, same to you.

For future reference: BAD IDEA. DO NOT REPLY TO CRAZIES!

BRAD: haha let me take you outttttttt ;) beverage interview at least ;)

WHY does he NOT get the hint!?

I don't reply, but that doesn't stop him from continuing to email me.

BRAD: i think we need to go out...there is NOOOOO one on this site even worth talking to :(

You're right! And I don't think you're worth talking to - so why won't you GO AWAY!?!

ME: You want kids.
I don't.
It will never work.

Good luck on here!

BRAD: haha WHAT???? thats the onlyyyyyyyyy thing holding you back???? i dont want kids NOW....i want to travel first..lots of traveling...then a house..then KIDS...far away haha

Actually, you being annoying is the main reason, but I'm being nice and using the no kids thing as an excuse.

ME: I don't want kids AT ALL. EVER.

And to be honest, I don't think you should be allowed to reproduce!

BRAD: haha no? you dont wanna pass on your amazing genes? we would make hot kids haha.....regardless id still be up for an INTERVIEW meet ;)

Why do I want to meet you if I have NO intention WHATSOEVER of dating you!?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

IM Etiquette continued


This guy just DOES NOT get it!

So, I sign on and once again, SoftBallRIGuy just HAS to IM me.

SoftBallRIGuy: well hello
SoftBallRIGuy: youre a tough one lol
SoftBallRIGuy: lol whats a guy gotta do here

Jeez, IDK...stop being so god damn annoying maybe!?

I quickly check my inbox and then sign off.

Logged in again yesterday and guess who IM'd me? Yep, SoftBallRIGuy!

[2:39:01 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: lol geesh why dont you talk?

[2:25:15 pm]ME:because you're green
(In reference to his earlier comment about me not talking to him because he's green.)

[2:39:01 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: what do you mean?
Well if you don't know what the hell YOU mean by it, how the hell am I supposed to know!?

SoftBallRIGuy just doesn't give up hope.
Today, once again, as soon as I sign on, he IMs me....

[2:23:15 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: well hello again...

[2:23:36 pm]ME: omg you're annoying

[2:23:56 pm]SoftBallRIGuy:lol why am I annoying?

[2:24:09 pm]ME: i'm not even kidding.

[2:24:21 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: lol it is funny

[2:24:29 pm]ME: because you don't give me a chance to reply to your iMs. you continuously bombard me with messages.

[2:24:53 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: come on now...lets be werent ever going to respond anyways

[2:25:11 pm]ME: well if you thihk THAT, then why the hell keep IMing me then!?!?!!?!?

[2:25:37 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: one thing I hate is to be ignored

[2:26:32 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: i always treat people with respect...and it drives me nuts when i am ignored

[2:27:02 pm]ME: PEOPLE DO GET BUSY

[2:27:27 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: come on ...if someone signs on here they arent that busy

[2:27:44 pm]ME: ever hear of multi-tasking?!?

[2:27:47 pm]ME: please don't IM me anymore.

Does he stop IMing me? Nope!

[2:28:46 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: I dont mind doing that...if those were your feelings from the get go you could of told me and stopped any of this...but you ignored me

[2:30:00 pm]ME: just don't get it...i left my computer ON and walked away..when I got back I had a hundred missed IMs from you. what annoyed me is the fact that you couldn't WAIT for a repsonse!?

[2:30:23 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: ummm and when was this?

[2:30:31 pm]ME: omg are you insane


[2:31:10 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: i am not insane... i asked you a is that insantity?

Ugh, did I stutter when I said "PLEASE DO NOT IM ME ANY MORE" ????

Sunday, November 29, 2009

IM Etiquette

So, I'm on, and this annoying guy keeps IMing me.

If someone does not immediately reply to your IM , it could mean one of the following:

1. She is not at her computer and therefore cannot use her mental powers to type a reply.

2. She's busy updating her facebook status and cannot reply quite yet.

3. She's thinking of a witty response (which after a night of drinking, may take longer than usual). or

4. She's just not interested.

SoftBallRIGuy sends the following IMs:
[5:30:05 pm]Well hello Miss hasnt talked to me :P How was your Thanksgiving?

No reply from me. Does he wait for a response? Nope!

[5:32:25 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: Lol are you ever going to say hello again?

Guess he doesn't like being in suspense....

[5:33:07 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: I would love to talk to you

Seeing as how you are BOMBARDING me with messages, I would have never guessed that.

[5:34:28 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: are you there?

[5:35:21 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: geesh whats a guy gotta do here

Hmm...take it down a notch maybe? Or get counseling. One of the two.

[5:39:03 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: maybe I am green and you dont really see me


[5:42:34 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: yep convinced you arent getting my mesages

Or maybe I can't read? It's gotta be one of the two.

[5:48:15 pm]SoftBallRIGuy: yep no way you arent :)

Finally, I go into annoyed bitch mode and send the following IM:
ME: Hi. One IM would have been sufficient. I'm in the middle of something.

SoftBallRIGuy: haha...I was just frustrated sorry...thats all...this site can drive one nuts

Is waiting more than a minute for an IM response really THAT frustrating? Sheesh.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Three's a crowd...

I had been chatting on POF with this lawyer from Massachusetts. We would randomly chat on AIM on the rare times he was online, but nothing ever came of it.

Today, he was online. I shot him an IM to say hello and see how he was doing.
This is his reply:

CTLawyer: I actually started seeing someone, but I was wondering if you liked women if you would be interested in going out with us sometime? I understand if not, but I always found you very attractive and I think the three of us could have a good time togther.

Me: You're joking, right?

CTLawyer: Nope........ Just curious, but from you responce u are certainly not like that..........

What is wrong with people?
I mean, do I look like I chow box?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Clearing Things Up

I met Shawn on POF. After a few emails, I gave him my AIM handle.
He would IM me and ask me out on a date for THAT night.
Unfortunately, each time I already had plans (being the socialite I am, there's always something going on!).

Today I received the following IM from Shawn:

whats your deal ?
smoney: i just want to clear things up a lil

Me: ummm
Me: clear what up
Me: lol

smoney: well what is going on with you and dating. I asked y out pleny of times. Do you play games or do you like being single ? Maybe you are unsure of me ? I just want to know so I understand you. Be honest

Me: to be honest, i've just been super busy.

smoney: ok so maybe you are too busy to date
smoney: thats fine i just wanted to know

Me: i don't play games. every time you've asked me to do something, i've had something going on. i'm leaving for vegas next week, so i am overwhelmed this week with tying up loose ends.

smoney: alrighty.. well you are too busy for me I think. So I am gonna move on if thats ok

Move on?? FROM WHAT? We haven't even met!!

Dating Tip # 345: If you're really interested in a girl, MAKE PLANS. Don't ask her out for THAT night and expect her to be available!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I receive an email from this gentleman asking how my weekend was. This guy is definitely not my type (Blonde with a goatee), but I politely respond.

Me: Crazy busy.I'm putting together a singles event and I've been chasing down sponsors. LOL. How was yours?

Subject:Hello Fellow Sushi Lover
SushiGuy: Mine was good. Saw my friends band and took the motorcycle out for a spin down to Newport. Any ideas where the singles event is going to be held? If you want to talk some time my number is XXX-XXXX.

I reply with a link to the event and "Which band?"

SushiGuy: The band was dacoda. I'm going camping with a bunch of people this weekend in nh. U have any plans?

Me: Hill with the girls! :)

As you can clearly, see I'm keeping it brief because I'm not super interested, but I don't want to just be rude and ignore his emails.

SushiGuy: Sounds like a good time. So where do u go for sushi?

And it's not like he's writing novels over here either so I respond with,
"Haruki. You?"

His response made me sit up.
SushiGuy: I prefer Wasabi in Johnston. Do u actually want to get to know each other or are these couple of word responses from you just wasting my time?

Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me.

Me: Well that was harsh. Sorry, but I've been too busy to write lengthy emails. I didn't want to be rude and just ignore emails that I opened, but I guess that's the better MO.

SushiGuy: I didn't mean to be harsh but I'd rather know if I'm spinning my wheels for a reason or not. It's tough to tell with you. so if you want to actually get to know me then you can reply to this.

Alas, I did not reply. :)

Mr. WHO?

From: Provisea

Subject: In my arms all night long

I have all weekend long to get to know you. Beautiful woman. I am a handsome, intelligent man and I am thinking you might be the one. I'd like to find out. Let's talk.

-Mr. Fantastic

Are these people serious?

The Performer

Subject: Hey

hey whats up Hun... Ur profile got my atention I would luv to meet u... I'll be performing at this 1st Anual block party on North Main street Pawtucket R.I. aug. 15 this Saturday I'll be on stage around 5.. It ends at 7.. I would like to meet u

Does he want to meet me or is he looking for groupies?

Hmm.. I'm thinking these are all the women on POF he invited to meet him at his show.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

This is EXACTLY Why I Do NOT Want To Date a Younger Guy

Subject: Hi
UnReal: i just wanna say i LOVE sushi and i wanna go get some and everyone i know thinks its nasty. so im curious to know if your into younger men i mean im not tht much younger then you but still lol. write back maybe when your not working we can go get some

UnReal is 25 years old. His ideal first date: "goin out to dinner getting to no each other making each other laugh and feel comfortable. maybe go for a walk on the beach, no movies till the second date, how will i get to know you when we cant talk haha"

Hmm..apparently, you'll learn ALL you need to know about me on the first date. So, NOT talking on the second date is ok. Interesting.

Me: Thanks for the email, but I'd prefer to date someone closer to my age.

UnReal proceeds to further ascertain why I do not date younger men by sending the following email:

im 26 and your 27 how closer do you want. wow maybe you could grop up a little and just tell me your not attracted. because know u just look ****ing stupid

Clearly, I'm not the *****ing stupid one that has trouble forming coherent sentences.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Kevin, the Frenchman

Kevin first contacted me on

My first message from Kevin:

Subject: Hi

Kevin: Im 45 and Im a great catch.
If you like mature guys and are sick of games let me know.

Me: Thanks for the email! I dating a 41 year old and regardless of the age, men all play games! lol Good luck on here.

Kevin didn't like that.

Kevin: If your dating someone why are you still on here.It obviously can't be that serious.

Can't a girl make a typing error? Geez. So i corrected my grammar ... Me: Sorry ..should have read "I was."

Now Kevin starts to get weird...

Kevin: Do you want to meet for a drink tonite? Since your available. Ten barrels of Rose pedals to you. -Kev

Ten barrels of rose PEDALS? Oh Kevin. Clearly you don't know how to spell, nor do you know that "barrels of rose pedals" is not the way to woo a woman.

I fail to reply in a timely manner so he sends another email.

Kevin: Mediterranean descent Im a frenchmen does that count?

I still don't answer, so he decides to woo me with his gift of humor:
Kevin: I'll take you out for a few beverages. I'll have you in tears youll be laughing so hard.

I highly doubt this and I still do not reply. That doesn't stop him from sending yet another email:

Kevin: Hey I hope you had a great weekend. I have a feeling August will be a very sunny month. I went to a japanese restaurant over the weekend. Do you no when they throw the food I couldnt catch the stupid thing in my mouth. Bounced off my nose my forehead over my head ect.......lolI was thinking that I was cross eyed for awhile there. lol Do you date cross eyed non food catchers? lol

Kevin now apparently is a walking farmer's almanac. I don't even know HOW to respond to his last email, so I don't. But does that stop him from sending me yet ANOTHER email? Why of course not!

Kevin: Is your schedule free for Saturday nite. I would like to meet you at chiles in lincoln, RI. What do ya sayyyyyyyyyy? Sincerely, Kevin

WTF is CHILES? And are the eight extra "y"s supposed to make it more appealing?

I still do not reply. Does that stop him from sending ANOTHER EMAIL?

Of course not.

Kevin: Dont be shy if you have any questions about me just ask. No big deal.

Should I tell him I'm really not at all shy..I just find him SUPER CREEPY.

As I contemplate whether or not to email Kevin and inform him his email etiquette is horrendous, he sends me another email:

Subject: Your Prince Charming

Im your prince charming it's just that the tights Ive worn in the past dont fit any more. Im also sick and tired of wearing that prince charming hat. It just doesnt fit anymore. I freak out my horse every time I dress up like that. I think it spooks him. lol Well im the best guy youll find on this site. I actually get my haircut every month. lol And yes my ear hairs are always trimmed. Any way let's meet this weekend. Your cute and Im not ugly so I say we are a match. What's your number so we can talk like real people do.Sincerely,Kevin

If he's the best guy I'll find on this site, I better delete my profile ASAP.

It's been a whole 7 days since I've heard from Kevin. Did he finally give up? No, not Kevin. He is relentless.

Subject: Sparks seeks Sparks

Hey,How's the jogging going in this weather?It's killing me. The other day I went by a farm stand a bought 2 peaches just to keep me going. I think there was a worm in one of them so at least I got my protien. lolDid you find your Hulk with a great personality yet?-Kevin

Let's take a look at Kevin's online profile:

Dining out
shooting pool
good movie
About Me
Looking for just one women (so is he looking for one woman or slew of them) who I can have good times with. Im the type of guy who can have fun doing anything.I Like to run and hike as my main hobbies and try to keep in shape every summer and every winter gain 10 lbs so I guess it balances out. I like to tease and kid so be prepared because I do tend to give lots of attention. And yes I like to make People laugh and smile. (with what jokes?) I dont let small things bother me and Im a well focused and a goal oriented individual.One of my goals is to find someone that clicks with my silly personality and move the relationship forward. All you need to do is just be yourself and it might all fall into place. Adventurous at the spear of the moment. Very witty and funny and surely I can entertain my date. If your open minded about things and flexible we should have no problem finding things to do. When I find the right person time will fly by and the good times will roll. Like to listen to Classic rock. Open to most types of music except hip hop or rap. A short conversation by phone is a good way to start. Very easy to be around so dont worry about the awkward meeting scenario. With a little luck we will have chemistry and hit it off. If not no pressure and wish you luck on your search. (HMM...Really, Kevin?) Thanks times 10 million for looking at my profile and I wish you barrels of roses.

For somone who lists "Dining Out" as one of their interests, why do they want to go to CHILES?!