Wednesday, August 25, 2010

How Do You Feel About GO-TEEs ?

34-year-old ReNard (I think his screen name should be ReTard) " want to travel to Australia in the new future." The new future? As opposed to the old future?

Subject: Hi
ReNard: good afternoon

Me: Howdy

Renard: Hi T. I feel like i won a jackpot. LOL. I have "go tee" facial hair now. Dont you like the facial hair at all? - anton

Who the hell is T!?

Me: Not AT ALL.

ReNard: can we chat?

Me: You'd have to put up at least two more photos for that to happen.

Because as of right now, this is the only photo he has on his profile....
Seriously? Didn't he just say he had a "go tee" ?! Well, where is it? Hmm... My guess is he scanned this photo from an ad.

ReNard: but you said something about the facial hair in the profile

He's obviously not keeping up with the conversation here.

Me: I don't like facial hair AT ALL. Not even a goatee.

ReNard: i can send them [the photos] to your e mail

Me: Why can't you just post them like everyone else?

ReNard: Smart question. I am not comfortable to float my picture in the internet

Me: Well, I'm more into the confident type. Don't think it would work out.

Bye, bye!

Monday, August 23, 2010

One Dump or Two?

Subject: Hi
Rick: your so beautiful id lick your bumm hole till u came lol

Umm...excuse me?

Me: Can I take a dump first?

Because with all the shit he's talking, I think he'd quite like it.

Rick:suuuuure what ever u want as long as i hear you moaning lol ;)

Minutes later....
Rick:sooo does it sound like a plan ? lol

He is certainly eager.

Me: Sure, when my hemroids stop flaring up.

Rick: awww dont worry about them there just lil bumps in the road;) haha


Rick: Hey im ricky by the way , just tryin to get you to laugh and have a lil fun im not really a dirtbag i was havin a good time laugh and thought u where to but you seem like a really cool person and if im not for u i hope u find what u want but just remember u gotta find a guy that thinks your really beautiful and really likes you to lick your butt hole ;) lol jk

Me: You know what they say about first impressions.....

Thanks for the email, but I'm looking to date someone who doesn't mention my anus as an icebreaker. It's rude and inappropriate.

Good luck on here!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Do you have a BONNER?

Subject: Hi
DaveG: I have bonner

24-year-old Dave has a 2-year-old daughter, smokes often, is "much interested in anything that has to do with enjoying life" and is looking for a "looking for a decent girl with a good head on her shoulders." And he has a bonner.

Me: What does that even mean?

DaveG: it means u make my pee pee go boing boing wana fuk

Me: Well first off, you should learn how to spell. It's "BONER" not "BONNER."
Secondly, if you really are looking for "a good girl to get to know," then you shouldn't be sending these immature e-mails.

DaveG: im so sorry that was my stupid friend who sent you those messages i left my computer on once again im very sorry i did look at your profile and i really liked what i saw i would be really interested in getting to know you

Me: You should log out before walking away from your computer. Thanks for the email. Good luck on here.

DaveG: so would you be interested in getting to know a man like me

A "man" like him?! You have got to be kidding me.

Me: No, thank you. I don't date smokers. Best of luck to you on here.

DaveG: ill try and quit for u and i dont smoke alot as it is

And I'm sure recreational drug users don't do a lot of crack as it is either, but I'd prefer to just stay away altogether.

Honestly...GET A LIFE.

Subject: Hi
Honestly: would love to talk ? adam

I'm not really wow'd by his communication skills nor am I a fan of a Colonel Sanders mustache. Something about being able to twirl your facial hair creeps me out.

Me: Hi, Adam!
Thanks for the email, but I'm looking to date someone closer to my age.
Good luck on here.

Honestly: r u sure , would treat you like gold . own my own home and buisness , got a nice bike , boat , hot tub . would b so good 2 u ? love adam

I don't know about you, but the hot tub was almost a deal breaker.

Me: I'm not materialistic. Thanks though!!

Honestly: just got back from federal hill , havnt been ther much its seems nice . wish i could interest you in dinner sometime =(

Ugh. So annoying. How many times and ways do I have to say "not interested" before he gets it!?

Me: I don’t like to eat dinner.

Boom Boom POW

Subject: Hey
MatchBox: my account got deleted, but are you interested in getting a glass of wine?

I had never talked to this 31-year-old from MA before, but thanks for sharing that POF kicked you off. Before I can reply, he sends another email...

MatchBox: can i tell you something personal?

Apparently, he feels an instant connection with me and wants to bare his soul. Great.

Me: ????

Can’t you just tell I’m on the edge of seat here? Oh what do you want to share, MatchBox!? Do tell!

MatchBox: well you won't believe me, but i'm a virgin. i only started dating a year and a half ago, and the woman i went out with wouldn't take my virginity. she said she would, then used it to my advantage, and got mad when i fell in love with her and lost interest.

I mean, seriously?! WTF. WHY are you telling me this and can’t you afford a hooker? They’re cheap enough on CraigsList and then you won’t have tell anyone you’re practicing for the lead role to the sequel of “The 40-Year Old Virgin.”

Me: Is this a joke?

MatchBox: unfortunately no. i was depressed and shy until age 25 (im 27 now...wont let me change it on my profile) have had offers the past couple years but no women i was attracted to other than my ex.

So you’re a virgin AND you don’t know how to appropriately fill out the age section of an online dating site. Nice.

Me: And you're telling me this because?

Did I accidently list “therapist” as my occupation?

MatchBox: sorry...looking for someone understanding i guess

Subject: Sorry
MatchBox: sorry if that was too much info...i just don't like pretending to be someone i'm not. i'm only good at being myself, and when i date, i don't like having to all of a sudden throw that a woman.

i'm not on here looking for someone to hook up with me...what i'm looking for is someone to talk to, get close with, and if we get along, then meet, already knowing that there's some chemistry.

if that's not what you want, that's fine.

Me: Well, I hope you find that understanding person. I'm looking for that boom boom pow.

A few days later...
Subject: Hi
MatchBox: any chance you'd want to hang out and see if we get along? not looking for a hook-up or anything.

Obviously, he's not looking for a hook-up because he's a VIRGIN, but is he a doormat as well?

Subject: Hi
Matchbox: sorry if i scared you off with the virgin's just a monkey on my back right now. the funny thing is, i had a chance to lose it when i was like 19, and she was attractive too...i just wasn't ready yet and wussed out. we were going to go to her house on valentine's day, do it, then go out to eat, and i totally wimped out lol.

I hate monkeys.

Me: Just take some club whore home from the club and get it done already. Stop crying about it.

MatchBox: i want a quality woman, or at least a sober woman.
it's a contradiction in terms i know...wanting casual sex with a woman that isn't a slut.

So, he's gay?

Subject: Hi
Matchbox: i find you very attractive, but you probably aren't interested, eh? women like yourself tend to like guys with experience or cool guys or whatever.

Insert Jeopardy theme song.

Subject: Hi
Matchbox: you alive?

Me: No.

MatchBox: i know i'm not good with words, but i find you attractive.

Me: You've mentioned that ten times.

MatchBox: i can only imagine what you're thinking "who is this guy?" or whatever, but i'm normal in person...sort of lol.

Me: Are you in a Bible study group?

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Beards, Boobs & Bangs

Subject: Hi
Hey whats up?
I'm trying to meet a quality woman for myself.
Honesty and loyalty are a SERIOUS deal to me.
I'm all good. If you want to chat send me a message.
Please read my profile. Its thorough and its the TRUTH.

TRUTH?! Ha. The truth is this 34-year old guy has a beard and lists his body type as "average" when he is clearly overweight/borderline obese. Sorry, but I'm not attracted to guys with beards or man boobs that are bigger than my rack.

ME: Thanks for the email.
However, I prefer to date guys without facial hair.
Good luck on here.

Had he even bothered to read my profile, he would have read that it states I prefer not to date guys with facial hair.

NIBBAN: oops. didnt catch the facial hair part. plus you're a scorpio too.
I read your profile more too. I see HARD CLASH. Sounds to me you need to sow some more wild oats...

As the site is named... plenty of fish...

Have a nice life

I thought that was the last I'd hear from NIBBAN, but oh no, he wasn't done with me just yet.

NIBBAN: I don't even know you and I know you are a bimbo slut.
Rejecting someone because of facial hair is SHALLOW.
Have a good life.

Hope you learn a thing or 2 while because you obviously have alot of growing up to do.

Now, normally I do not post photos of these freaks on my blog, but this guy REALLY pissed me off. He KNOWS I'm a bimbo slut?! Really? lol. So here's what this super classy guy looks like (I blurred it just a little):

I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't immediately shut down my on-line account and run off with him into the sunset.

ME: You say that you're extremely intelligent, but that is clearly not the case. If so, you would have read between the lines. My reply (which in retrospect, I should have just ignored your email) to your email stating that "I do not date males with facial hair" was my nice way of saying " I don't date guys who look like their neck is trying to swallow their head." No wonder why you're single. Act like an adult and learn to deal with rejection.

Focus on growing out your bangs some more and less on emailing perfectly decent women with insulting nonsense.

Have a nice day!