Sometimes Knowing How to Spell Isn't Everything...

From: HOZCOR
Subject: HELLO HUN
So I can spell

Great! Can't tell much by his photo, but let's take a gander at his profile. His interests? Beach and working out. His About Me section: ok well actions speek alot louder then words right? So get back for a real good guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really?

HoZCorp is a little too old for my liking..and I can't tell what he looks like from the angles of his photos.

ME: LOL. That's a start, but I don't date smokers. Good luck on here.

HOZCOR: I don't smoke lol I'm in the gym 24 7 your way to picky

ME: I'm picky because I don't want to date a smoker?????

Your profile says:
Smoker? Occasionally

I'm picky? I said I don't date smokers. I didn't say I don't date left-handed brown-eyed men who wear Boston Red Sox hats at the gym. Now THAT is picky.

And what the hell..if you don't smoke, well then don't mark on your profile that you do!

HOZCOR: I well I don't date them either so ok I hear ya

I just delete that email.

A week later.....
From: HOZCOR
Subject: still don't smoke
So hi let me try this again lol Hi I'm Eric

THREE MINUTES LATER...
From: Hozcor
Subject: Hello
Hello So let me try this again , hi I'm Eric

I got it the first time, buddy.

ME: Hi, Eric! I'd like to date someone that does not want children.

HOZCOR: I really at this point wouldn't date you at all I seem very anal and that's such a ugly quality in a women you pretty but far from a 10 and even if you were a 10. That tude wouldn't allow you datable

I THINK he meant to say "you seem anal," but hey, who am I to argue?

ME: I have to agree with you, you do seem anal!

I'm definitely far from a 10..and you're far from being human. Good thing I don't want kids. Imagine what they'd look like!

Happy Thanksgiving!

HOZCOR: Well happy thanksgiving to you as well Why don't you reread your profile take A good look in the mirror

So I did take a good look in the mirror... and yep, I still don't want to date smokers OR reproduce. :)

My Bad

From: Pierre
Subject: Sweet love
Sorry no offence but god damm it was that bad

Was what that bad? Your spelling?

ME: ?????

PIERRE: Ur past relationships if not why so much anger in ur profile

Let's review my profile briefly. It starts with "I'm a fun AND funny work-a-holic. Life is too short to have a bad time, and thus I always try to maintain my upbeat, positive attitude. I love to laugh and try to surround myself with funny people!" That just RADIATES hostility now, doesn't it? lol

ME: Are you alright? My profile does not convey any anger.

PIERRE: Than my bad

No Scrubs

From: Jessie
Subject: omg
omfg you are so hot you make me want to get naught

From: Jessie
Subject: im the fucknig man
its all good women love me.. we should hang out, maybe .. send me some pics. i kinda like you.... god... we would have so much fun omg..

ME: WHO are you?

From: Jessie
Subject: lol..nevermind
i was just playing around... WHO are you..

From Jessie
Subject: sorry...
i just liked you... beeasy... dont get all carzy,.. its just a profile crush.... ah im tommy btw. How are you doing?


From: Jessie
Subject: nevermind
Playing games with little scubs? I bet you think, Im creepy... You're dumb then and i could care less about you. Keep getting played good luck.

Scubs? I think you meant scrubs, ding dong. I could care less about you too. lol. Glad to see we finally have ONE thing in common!

Dads vs. Deadbeats

31 year old KOOLKID "isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment," smokes and wants children. Clearly, we have nothing in common right off the bat. I try to convey that to him nicely, but as the emails continued to pour in from him, I had to take a more direct approach.


KOOLKID: what you up to today hun and what you looking for on here

ME: Someone that doesn't want kids.

KOOLKID: i dont want kids but if it were to happne ill be there for my kidbut i dont want them

ME: Really?
Weird.
I just read your profile again and it says:
"Do you want children? Yes"

KOOLKID: yea i know but its not that i want them ment if it happens yea id be there
The next day....

KOOLKID: would you like mme to change that in my profile cause i will


ME: Don't change it for me. Your profile should be an honest reflection of yourself.

KOOLKID: well i dont want you thinking im lying cause im not like that just ment if it happens id be there but i dont want kids

Clearly the "Do you want children?" is misleading for KOOLKID. Maybe they should replace the "Do you want children" with "If you did have a child you did not want, would you be a deadbeat dad?"

A few hours later...
KOOLKID: ok well ill leave you be you dont seem to interested

The Dangers of Copy & Paste

From:RocaLove
Subject: Hi

Murderer

Umm..what?

ME: ??????

ROCALOVE: i am so sorry about that i accidentally pasted that on here and hit enter. really i am so sorry

i was expecting a police call all day lol

ME: LOL. Very random!

ROCALOVE: lol again i am so sorry, and wish u the best of luck on here i am about to cancel my account to many weirdo's u never know what they are going to write lol
...or what they will copy and paste! ha.

Oh you NOT fancy huh?

Subject: Hi
YANKSFAN: oh you fancy huh?

I just shake my head at the computer screen.

Subject: Hi
YANKSFAN: how bout you pop lock and drop it on my face?

This 21 year old who is interested in "sports and beautiful women" sure does act his age.

ME: If you're looking to meet someone you seriously want to date, you shouldn't be sending crude emails such as this.

YANKSFAN: No way baby I get all the horny ones and I do em real nice

Ew.

Go Pats!

29 year-old Summer Love is "Looking for the right one!!"

Subject: Hey
SUMMERLOVE: Hey babe.. Would you like to chat?

I'm not a fan of being called 'babe' or 'baby' in any initial correspondence. I don't reply, so he sends another email.

Subject: Good afternoon
SUMMERLOVE: How are you?

ME: Great!

Direct and to the point. Notice I don't dive into a great discussion, because I'm really not interested.

SUMMERLOVE: So were you born and raised here?

Before I can respond, SUMMERLOVE sends another email.

Subject: hey
SUMMERLOVE: I take it you are not interested.. could have stated that from the beginning.

Call me crazy, but isn't the fact that I didn't reply to your initial email and then send a one word reply to your second email, a pretty good indicator that I wasn't interested? Just sayin' But that doesn't stop SUMMERLOVE from sending yet another email.

SUMMERLOVE: 781 XXX XX04

Why wouldn't he give me his number? Obviously, based on my email correspondence I am just DYING to talk to him!

ME:??? Why would you give me your phone number if you think I am not interested? That doesn't make any sense.


Maybe he thinks I'm playing hard to get?

SUMMERLOVE: Your supposed to call ;)

Or maybe I'm supposed to write this on a men's bathroom wall somewhere? Hmmm....

SUMMERLOVE: Would you like to go to the Patriots game?

As much as I'd love to go to a game, I think I'll have to pass on this one.