Tuesday, January 26, 2010

When does smoking count as NOT smoking?

From: NELE
Subject: Hey
Hey, my name is XXX and i saw your profile and would like to get to you you a little better. I am 31, from Bristol, RI..i currently am a cook and am pursuing a degree in elementry education. I hope you respond and look forward to hopefully chatting with you soon. I do have more pictures if you would like to see them

According to his profile, he smokes. Gross.
And he only has one photo up - a side shot at that. Suspect.

ME: Hi, Nelson!
Thanks so much for the email, but I don't date smokers. Good luck on here!

NELE: im actually on the nicorette program with smoking only when i drink

I don't date drug users either, but apparently, if you only blow lines when you drink, I guess that's supposed to be acceptable.

ME: That still counts as smoking.

NELE: true....cant argue that

FINALLY. He gets it!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Tool Academy

Subject: Hi
Hello, I like ur pics & profile ! Drop me an e mail If ur Interested !

This 38 year old's default photo is of him wearing a polo shirt tucked into his jean shorts, with his cell phone clipped to this belt. Umm, nope, not interested.

ME: Thanks for the email, but I'm looking to date someone closer to my age. Good luck on here!

WAVEENT: I'm sorry I though I was e mailing an adult ! U are pushing 30 ya know ! One day u will c that age Is only a number !

Not only does this guy dress LIKE a tool, but he acts the part as well. I should have emailed him back with "Sorry, your jorts deserve a phone call to the fashion police, not interested," instead of my rather nice reply.

ME: Well, thank you, Captain Obvious, but lucky for me I don't look like I'm pushing 30.

I was trying to be nice and reply to your email, instead of just ignoring it. You in turn send a rude email, proving exactly what I thought - you are DEFINITELY not my type. I don't date tools.

Good luck on here.

WAVEENT: I'm really not a tool but ur definately a snob !

ME: You should really work on your manners.
Translation: Go fuck yourself.

WAVEENT: I don't care. It's not like i'm going to go out with you. get a grip.

He should get a grip...on his manhood..because clearly he is the only one gripping it!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

SOMETIMES Good Things Come In Small Packages...but only if they're from Tiffany's!

Subject: Hi There
Hi i'm Bryce,Im 22 years old, i live in RI and i am looking to join the air force next summer. I am 4'11 and i have Hypochondroplasia which makes me a little person. I love meeting new people and im a nice outgoing guy. I read your profile and you seem like really nice person and would like to know more about you. Message me back please if you'd like to get to know each other more.

Holy midget.

ME: Hi, Bryce!

Thanks so much for the email. To be honest, I'm looking to date someone older who does not want kids. Good luck on here.

That's my politically correct way of saying, "I do not want to date a little person."
I'm sorry, but I don't!

BRYCE: You dont want kids?

Um, you don't know how to read?

ME: Not at all.

BRYCE: Is it ok if i ask how come?

Because the baby will be taller than you.

ME: I just have no interest in raising a family. I don't have the patience. I like to come and go as I please and would prefer to travel. :)

BRYCE: lol ooo ic, well i dnt have 2 have kids lol

ME: lol. Well, you're still too young for me.

Translation: I'll always be towering over you.

BRYCE: lol it wouldnt hurt to try 2 get to kno the person 1st


ME: ....and it wouldn't hurt for me to try octupus soup either, but i'd just rather not. :) Good luck on here!

BRYCE: ok thanx u 2

FINALLY..he gets it!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Time to Buy Stock in Hooked on Phonics

Subject: Hi
wats up beautiful wat u up2 this beautiful afternnon muuuaaahhh

Ce22 is a 22-year old male.
About Me
wats up ladies hows it going u have a great funny down to earth guy who loves sports movies music p3 looking for ladies that love the social life u kno overall killers with the looks the smile idk honestly if ur tired of fn lookin come talk 2 a dude that's a real good guyy for real no bs idk if interested hit it up

I'm just to be blunt with this one.

ME: Working. Good luck on here!

CE22: wow ok thats all im tryna get at ya bot on othas on here

????? I am going to buy some serious stock in Hooked on Phonics. EVERYONE on POF.com needs a copy.

Sim Simma..Who's Got the Keys to My Porsche?

Subject: Hi from Joe

Good morning,

Your profile and pictures caught my attention. I find you very attractive and very refreshing looking, need I say more? :)

Check out my profile and photos and let me know if you're spontaneous enough to accept my invitation to take you out for a lovely dinner sometimes soon, or just a drink..

I look forward to hearing back from you soon!

Keep smiling beautiful :)

Joe's profile does not catch my attention, nor is he very "refreshing looking."

Me: Morning, Joe!

Thank you for the lovely email!
I'd prefer to date someone that lives closer to me.

Good luck on here!

JOE: Hi and thanks for replying, and let me explain if I may :) I only live 20 min from Providence, I am in Norwood. You consider that far? I hope you reconsider because I promise not to disappoint if we meet. Take a chance you will not regret it.


Me: Joe, my gf lives in Norwood and I don't drive out to see her. lol

Translation: What the hell makes you think I'm going to drive out there to see YOU!?

JOE: But I have no problem driving to Providence, I am always there and with my Porsche it only takes me 15 min lol! but hey if you're not attracted then I respect your wish and I mean it. But if it is not the case, I still would love to meet you. Life is short and I am not :)

I hope you respond back with a positive response next time :)

He just HAD to mention he drives a Porsche. So he's either ok with dating a gold digger or has a small penis.

I don't reply in a timely fashion, so he sends yet another email.

JOE: Fine be rude and don't respond, yuck..

To be honest, I'm getting a little tired of nicely rejecting these whackjobs. A little dig is in order.

Me: You must have been driving your porsche so fast you missed my response.
What's RUDE is you not waiting for me to reply and firing off another email.

JOE: I am not being mean but to read my email and not respond when I have been nothing but kind and sweet towards you made me dissapointed, I never got your
response geez lol! :) ok I am listening and it better be a good one :)

KIND AND SWEET!?!?! WTF. You sent me an email, you goofball. Should I consider those emails I get from Africa looking to give me $1 million if I open a bank account for them kind and sweet too!?

Me: I don't date men who are easily dissapointed or who overuse smiley faces.
Good luck on here!

JOE: Ok :) thanks :) good :) luck :) to :) u :) too :)

Joe :) :) :)

Good riddance.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

TOTAL Misfit

Subject: Breathtaking
Wow you are Breathtaking. Seems like we might have a few things and common and could have a amazing time together. Are you open to older men at all?? I am not a player or looking for a one time thing. I would love the chance to get to know the women behind those amazing eyes.

Read my profile I think we might click

Any plans tonight??

I'm not opposed to dating older men; just men who can't add. He's only TWO years older than me. That and the only two photos he has up are the ones he took in the bathroom himself from 10 feet away.

ME: Thanks for the email!
Not sure what I'm doing yet tonight.
To be honest, I absolutely DO NOT want kids..and I read that you do.

MISFIT: Trust me I don't think I want kids either at this point.

Then why does your profile say you want children? Hmm..

ME: LOL and why is that?

MISFT: My friends have kids and after seeing how those kids act doesn't really seem like something that is for me.

MISFT: Maybe meet for a drink sometime?

No reply from me.

MISFIT: Do you maybe want to meet for a drink this weekend? My number is 401-xxx-xxxx Matt. Yours? Don't worry not some creeper :)

Really? Why is my gut telling me otherwise?

Now, Misfit keeps emailing me, sometimes I answer - sometimes I don't. That doesn't stop him from firing away emails though.

MISFIT: Any plans tonight?

ME: Drunken bowling. You?

MISFIT: No plans yet. Just got up from last night. Drunken bowling sounds fun:)

MISFIT: So why are you on Pof? I am sure u have no problem meeting guys.

Me: I meet a lot of people...just no one I have any sparks with. You?

MISFIT: The same. I am looking for sparks as well . Seems sparks can't be found in bars and other such places. So here I am :)

MISFIT: So what should I know about you? What makes you different and you?

MISFIT: So when we meeting for drinks?

ME: When you decide you DO NOT want kids and put up some pics that you didn't take yourself. lol.

This is where it starts to get really good...

MISFIT: I dont want kids ok. Are you saying I am ugly.?? Just meet me for a drink I am smoking hot you might fall in love at first sight.

Smoking hot? Really? REALLY?

ME: No, I'm not saying you're ugly.
But the only pics you have are two which you took yourself.
Usually pics taken by and with others indicate that you have friends and are not a psycho.

MISFIT: LOL I have many friends people love me. I am a pretty big deal people know me ;) .... jk

Whats your cell number I will text you some pics silly goose.

ME: ...or you can just post them on your profile.

If this guy thought I was going to give him my cell number, he's out of his mind.

MISFIT: I dont want to post them on my profile. I really dont want people to know I am on this site. I would never here the end of it.If i had your number I could send some amazing pics and we could chat so you would be able to see I am not a crazy bat.

..and if you had my number, I'd probably have to change it.

ME: Honestly, I'm not embarrassed to be dating online and I couldn't date someone who is embarrassed by it.

MISFIT: lol can you just give me a chance. Trust me I have a very good reason for me not wanting people to see me on here.

You are a tuff nut to crack

And you are just a nut.

ME: Very good reason? And that is? What? You're married?

MISFIT: No my gf passed away a year and a half ago from cancer. Just would not like her family and friends to see me. Sounds silly but just how I feel.

A drink really couldnt hurt could it?

OHHHHHHHHHHh...he dropped the cancer card!

ME: I'm really sorry to hear that, but I highly doubt her friends and family expect you to never date again.

MISFIT: I know this but still.
Anyways. So where do you see your self in the next five years?

Not with you.

ME: On TV.

MISFIT: on tv doing what?

ME: Reality show.

MISFIT: What type of show?

ME: Any.

Most likely a reality show involving how I meet whackjobs like you on-line.

MISFIT: I can help with that I am a proskater and I have a cuz that works for MTV/VH1

Now, he's a proskater too?

MISFIT: I will give you her email if you want you can contact her.

I'd rather you not do me any favors, weirdo.

ME: Well, I really wanted to be on Tough Love Season 2.
Got called to NYC for a 3rd interview, but didn't make the cut.

Hold on..you're a PRO SKATER that's afraid to post pics? odd.

MISFIT: Yes I skate for AntiHero. I dont care about people to notice me or about fam. I hate that part of proskating trust me you will see if you get on TV. It kinda ruins it for me. I just like to skate. LOL are you trying to be famous.

ME: Sure am. LOL.

MISFIT: Why? its not all its cracked up to be. Trust me if you want your soul taken away and like to be around drugs and thieves.

ME: I work in the nightclub industry.
I'm already surronded by drugs and thieves.

MISFIT: Well I can introduce you to people. Dont say I didnt warn you.

Well, you definitely didn't warn me about what a desperate creep you are, that's for sure.

MISFIT: Do you act? If you can act you are better off doing that. In reality you are type cast as talentless. Your career wont last. Trust me I see and hear it all the time.

ME: No acting skills here.

MISFIT: lol then whats is your big plan? What are you going to do when the reality show is over? I am friends with peter manfrado from the contender. He is hella broke now and cant pay his bills and is not even 30 yet.

Go to college kid forget the reality nonsense.

Go to college? I have my MBA. Did this guy even READ my profile??

MISFIT: Sorry not trying to be rude. You seem beautiful and smart you could just do so much more.

I SEEM beautiful? I have pictures up. Either I'm beautiful or I'm not.

ME: I already have my MBA.

MISFIT: Good :) So what is it about reality tv that draws you in?

MISFIT: Lets just get drinks

MISFIT: Lets do a photoshoot

With what? You and your Fisher Price camera?

ME: ?

MISFIT: I am a photographer. I do mostly black and white and I would like to do a shoot with you.

MISFIT: Come on would a photoshoot be that bad? I can send you example of my work if you want? Email?

So, he's proskater AND a photographer? According to his profile, he's VP of Loan Operations.

ME: Is this a joke?

MISFIT: No it's not a joke at all. I don't play games or lie.

MISFIT: Whats your email I will send you some of my photo work?

NO YOU CANNOT HAVE MY EMAIL. He fills my POF inbox. I don't need him blowing up my yahoo account as well.

MISFIT: do you not photograph well?

ME: You're a photographer who won't upload pics? Oh the irony.

Define "we"

Subject: hi
Good morning beautiful, how are you doing today, and everyday?

ME: Great!

Simple questions receive simple answers

ROB: So what's your name, and is it possible to get to know you? I'm Rob by the way.

Rob is a 39-year old black male from Dorchestor, MA. His About Me section states "I feel after sex is involved everything changes either for better or worst." Definitely not my type.

ME: Hi, Rob.
I'm looking to date someone who lives within 20 min. of me.
Good luck on here!

Translation: GO AWAY

ROB: so that mean we can't be friends

ME: To be honest, I have enough friends.

You know that old song "How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?" Well, why would I want to be your friend if I don't want to date you!

ROB: so what can we be

Well, you can be annoying and I'll be blunt.

ME: We can be two people who don't know each other.

Monday, January 4, 2010

To Catch a Predator

Subject: heyy
hey hun wats up

I click on GetAtMe's profile.
He's 19.
All set.
I don't want to be on MSNBC's To Catch a Predator anytime soon.

ME: You're a little too young for me. Good luck on here.

GetAtMe: id show u a good time baby

Baby? Who's the baby!? I'm 10 years older than you, kiddo.
You can't even BUY me a drink!

And so, I tell him that.

Me: Good time? You're not even old enough to buy me a drink.

GetAtMe: i could hun ur sexy n beaytiful

Maybe he should lay off the online dating and head back to spelling class.

Clearing Things Up...AGAIN

Please read the September posting titled "Clearing Things Up" before reading this.

Remember Shawn from POF?

He's baaaaaaaaack.

After a hiatus from POF, I'm back.
And who contacts me yet again? Creepy Shawn.

Subject: Hello
Just noticed you on here. I would love to chat sometime if you are up for it

I immediately recognize Shawn and click delete.

Suject: Hi
Hey can we talk a bit ?

Ugh. No, Shawn, I do not want to talk to you.
If I WANTED to talk to you, I would have replied to your FIRST email.

Btw, The guy STILL to this day IMs me asking me out on dates for THAT night.

ME: We chat already.

Subject: Hi
I haven't heard from u in a while..What is new with you ?

You haven't heard from me in a while, because I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

SHAWN: What are your plans for this weekend ?

ME: Drinking.

SHAWN: Sounds fun. Do you want to meet up?

ME: Haven't we tried this already?

SHAWN: No we haven't ..

Oh, yes, we have, but he just forgot.

Few days later...

SHAWN: Can I take you to a nice dinner ?

The Next Richard Simmons?

Subject: how's your day goin
hey you

Talk about a man of many words. Let's check out FitGuy's profile...

29-year old FitGuy is online looking for friends, has a degree in Fitness.
Checking out the scenery
About Me

Weird. Nothing written in his About Me section.

ME: Hi! Freezing in my office. Can't wait for 4:30pm to come.
Hope your day is going better than mine. lol.

FITGUY: i'll warm u up!!! lol oh im in my office at home on the phones all day babe ;( producers and i have a meeting and the tv station later and dinner with one of my agents.eehh im nervous!!! kinda. more like excited i am about to air my own fitness tv show on tv!!!!!! well, not to mention dealing with sexual harassment because i didnt want to screw my manager which looks like scare crow!!! AAAAHhhaahahah


ME: Sounds exciting....
Fitness TV Show...on public access?

FITGUY: yeah along with a website, sponsors from all over the world.:)

Sponsors from all over the world? For a public access show? Riiiiiiiight.

It's a small world...and even smaller in RI

Subject: Hi, I'm Bri
Hi, my name is Brian. Whats yours?

Im big into wine. I read a book called "red wine for dummies" so I'm pretty good with it now...I dont like to brag.

I love a good game of poker too!

What do you do for work work-a-holic?

If you want to chat you should message me back.

I look at the small, side profile default pic.
Hmm...this guy looks familiar.

I click on his profile...

HE WORKS WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!

Granted, he's in another department and fairly new to the company, but we have met. We've even had drinks together at an after-work function.
How does he not recognize me!?


Everybody look at me cause I'm sailin on a boat

Subject: Hi
BOATMAN: Hi my name is XXXX. I noticed your profile
and wanted to drop you a note with the hope
of getting to know you better. Im 28 I live in
newport and work on a sail boat here. I was
a paramedic for along time but got a little
burnt out on it took a summer off to sail and
havent gone back. I am a huge sports fan
especially the red sox and bruins. I also read
alot mostly history stuff since I am a closest
geek that isnt quite in the closet. Well I dont
want to ramble on here so I hope to hear
back from you.

Boatman has a Paul Bunyan beard (so not my type).
Let's take a look at his profile...

28 Year Old Male
Profession: Sailing/ Ski Patrol
Hi my name is XXX. I am a real cool laidback down to earth guy. I am basically looking for cool chill girls out there to talk to and hopefully hang out with, and see where it goes from there. I live an interesting life where I have managed to find ways to get paid to either do things I enjoy or work at places like ski resorts and get to ski for free. Most people cant understand my life style which is understandable. Im hoping to find someone that can. Despite my employment I am inteligent, well read, and can hold a conversation. Once people get to know me they find me an interesting person. I figured I would give this a shot and see if anything comes from it.

I am a work-a-holic and honestly, I don't appreciate his lifestyle.

So I let him down easy...

ME: Hi, XXX!
Thanks for the email.
I think I might be a little too much of a crazy party animal for you. lol.
Good luck on here!

BOATMAN: Thanks for getting back. I suppose that was a nice way of letting me down easy but from it I doubt you have ever spent any time with people who make their living sailing boats.

Wtf is THAT supposed to mean?
And, buddy, I'm Portuguese. We came over here ON a boat.

ME: No, probably because I don't know how to swim and hate being on boats.

BOATMAN: Thats a good reason

Ya think?