Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I receive an email from this gentleman asking how my weekend was. This guy is definitely not my type (Blonde with a goatee), but I politely respond.

Me: Crazy busy.I'm putting together a singles event and I've been chasing down sponsors. LOL. How was yours?

Subject:Hello Fellow Sushi Lover
SushiGuy: Mine was good. Saw my friends band and took the motorcycle out for a spin down to Newport. Any ideas where the singles event is going to be held? If you want to talk some time my number is XXX-XXXX.

I reply with a link to the event and "Which band?"

SushiGuy: The band was dacoda. I'm going camping with a bunch of people this weekend in nh. U have any plans?

Me: Hill with the girls! :)

As you can clearly, see I'm keeping it brief because I'm not super interested, but I don't want to just be rude and ignore his emails.

SushiGuy: Sounds like a good time. So where do u go for sushi?

And it's not like he's writing novels over here either so I respond with,
"Haruki. You?"

His response made me sit up.
SushiGuy: I prefer Wasabi in Johnston. Do u actually want to get to know each other or are these couple of word responses from you just wasting my time?

Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuse me.

Me: Well that was harsh. Sorry, but I've been too busy to write lengthy emails. I didn't want to be rude and just ignore emails that I opened, but I guess that's the better MO.

SushiGuy: I didn't mean to be harsh but I'd rather know if I'm spinning my wheels for a reason or not. It's tough to tell with you. so if you want to actually get to know me then you can reply to this.

Alas, I did not reply. :)

Mr. WHO?

From: Provisea

Subject: In my arms all night long

I have all weekend long to get to know you. Beautiful woman. I am a handsome, intelligent man and I am thinking you might be the one. I'd like to find out. Let's talk.

-Mr. Fantastic

Are these people serious?

The Performer

Subject: Hey

hey whats up Hun... Ur profile got my atention I would luv to meet u... I'll be performing at this 1st Anual block party on North Main street Pawtucket R.I. aug. 15 this Saturday I'll be on stage around 5.. It ends at 7.. I would like to meet u

Does he want to meet me or is he looking for groupies?

Hmm.. I'm thinking these are all the women on POF he invited to meet him at his show.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

This is EXACTLY Why I Do NOT Want To Date a Younger Guy

Subject: Hi
UnReal: i just wanna say i LOVE sushi and i wanna go get some and everyone i know thinks its nasty. so im curious to know if your into younger men i mean im not tht much younger then you but still lol. write back maybe when your not working we can go get some

UnReal is 25 years old. His ideal first date: "goin out to dinner getting to no each other making each other laugh and feel comfortable. maybe go for a walk on the beach, no movies till the second date, how will i get to know you when we cant talk haha"

Hmm..apparently, you'll learn ALL you need to know about me on the first date. So, NOT talking on the second date is ok. Interesting.

Me: Thanks for the email, but I'd prefer to date someone closer to my age.

UnReal proceeds to further ascertain why I do not date younger men by sending the following email:

im 26 and your 27 how closer do you want. wow maybe you could grop up a little and just tell me your not attracted. because know u just look ****ing stupid

Clearly, I'm not the *****ing stupid one that has trouble forming coherent sentences.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Kevin, the Frenchman

Kevin first contacted me on

My first message from Kevin:

Subject: Hi

Kevin: Im 45 and Im a great catch.
If you like mature guys and are sick of games let me know.

Me: Thanks for the email! I dating a 41 year old and regardless of the age, men all play games! lol Good luck on here.

Kevin didn't like that.

Kevin: If your dating someone why are you still on here.It obviously can't be that serious.

Can't a girl make a typing error? Geez. So i corrected my grammar ... Me: Sorry ..should have read "I was."

Now Kevin starts to get weird...

Kevin: Do you want to meet for a drink tonite? Since your available. Ten barrels of Rose pedals to you. -Kev

Ten barrels of rose PEDALS? Oh Kevin. Clearly you don't know how to spell, nor do you know that "barrels of rose pedals" is not the way to woo a woman.

I fail to reply in a timely manner so he sends another email.

Kevin: Mediterranean descent Im a frenchmen does that count?

I still don't answer, so he decides to woo me with his gift of humor:
Kevin: I'll take you out for a few beverages. I'll have you in tears youll be laughing so hard.

I highly doubt this and I still do not reply. That doesn't stop him from sending yet another email:

Kevin: Hey I hope you had a great weekend. I have a feeling August will be a very sunny month. I went to a japanese restaurant over the weekend. Do you no when they throw the food I couldnt catch the stupid thing in my mouth. Bounced off my nose my forehead over my head ect.......lolI was thinking that I was cross eyed for awhile there. lol Do you date cross eyed non food catchers? lol

Kevin now apparently is a walking farmer's almanac. I don't even know HOW to respond to his last email, so I don't. But does that stop him from sending me yet ANOTHER email? Why of course not!

Kevin: Is your schedule free for Saturday nite. I would like to meet you at chiles in lincoln, RI. What do ya sayyyyyyyyyy? Sincerely, Kevin

WTF is CHILES? And are the eight extra "y"s supposed to make it more appealing?

I still do not reply. Does that stop him from sending ANOTHER EMAIL?

Of course not.

Kevin: Dont be shy if you have any questions about me just ask. No big deal.

Should I tell him I'm really not at all shy..I just find him SUPER CREEPY.

As I contemplate whether or not to email Kevin and inform him his email etiquette is horrendous, he sends me another email:

Subject: Your Prince Charming

Im your prince charming it's just that the tights Ive worn in the past dont fit any more. Im also sick and tired of wearing that prince charming hat. It just doesnt fit anymore. I freak out my horse every time I dress up like that. I think it spooks him. lol Well im the best guy youll find on this site. I actually get my haircut every month. lol And yes my ear hairs are always trimmed. Any way let's meet this weekend. Your cute and Im not ugly so I say we are a match. What's your number so we can talk like real people do.Sincerely,Kevin

If he's the best guy I'll find on this site, I better delete my profile ASAP.

It's been a whole 7 days since I've heard from Kevin. Did he finally give up? No, not Kevin. He is relentless.

Subject: Sparks seeks Sparks

Hey,How's the jogging going in this weather?It's killing me. The other day I went by a farm stand a bought 2 peaches just to keep me going. I think there was a worm in one of them so at least I got my protien. lolDid you find your Hulk with a great personality yet?-Kevin

Let's take a look at Kevin's online profile:

Dining out
shooting pool
good movie
About Me
Looking for just one women (so is he looking for one woman or slew of them) who I can have good times with. Im the type of guy who can have fun doing anything.I Like to run and hike as my main hobbies and try to keep in shape every summer and every winter gain 10 lbs so I guess it balances out. I like to tease and kid so be prepared because I do tend to give lots of attention. And yes I like to make People laugh and smile. (with what jokes?) I dont let small things bother me and Im a well focused and a goal oriented individual.One of my goals is to find someone that clicks with my silly personality and move the relationship forward. All you need to do is just be yourself and it might all fall into place. Adventurous at the spear of the moment. Very witty and funny and surely I can entertain my date. If your open minded about things and flexible we should have no problem finding things to do. When I find the right person time will fly by and the good times will roll. Like to listen to Classic rock. Open to most types of music except hip hop or rap. A short conversation by phone is a good way to start. Very easy to be around so dont worry about the awkward meeting scenario. With a little luck we will have chemistry and hit it off. If not no pressure and wish you luck on your search. (HMM...Really, Kevin?) Thanks times 10 million for looking at my profile and I wish you barrels of roses.

For somone who lists "Dining Out" as one of their interests, why do they want to go to CHILES?!