Thursday, August 6, 2009

Kevin, the Frenchman

Kevin first contacted me on

My first message from Kevin:

Subject: Hi

Kevin: Im 45 and Im a great catch.
If you like mature guys and are sick of games let me know.

Me: Thanks for the email! I dating a 41 year old and regardless of the age, men all play games! lol Good luck on here.

Kevin didn't like that.

Kevin: If your dating someone why are you still on here.It obviously can't be that serious.

Can't a girl make a typing error? Geez. So i corrected my grammar ... Me: Sorry ..should have read "I was."

Now Kevin starts to get weird...

Kevin: Do you want to meet for a drink tonite? Since your available. Ten barrels of Rose pedals to you. -Kev

Ten barrels of rose PEDALS? Oh Kevin. Clearly you don't know how to spell, nor do you know that "barrels of rose pedals" is not the way to woo a woman.

I fail to reply in a timely manner so he sends another email.

Kevin: Mediterranean descent Im a frenchmen does that count?

I still don't answer, so he decides to woo me with his gift of humor:
Kevin: I'll take you out for a few beverages. I'll have you in tears youll be laughing so hard.

I highly doubt this and I still do not reply. That doesn't stop him from sending yet another email:

Kevin: Hey I hope you had a great weekend. I have a feeling August will be a very sunny month. I went to a japanese restaurant over the weekend. Do you no when they throw the food I couldnt catch the stupid thing in my mouth. Bounced off my nose my forehead over my head ect.......lolI was thinking that I was cross eyed for awhile there. lol Do you date cross eyed non food catchers? lol

Kevin now apparently is a walking farmer's almanac. I don't even know HOW to respond to his last email, so I don't. But does that stop him from sending me yet ANOTHER email? Why of course not!

Kevin: Is your schedule free for Saturday nite. I would like to meet you at chiles in lincoln, RI. What do ya sayyyyyyyyyy? Sincerely, Kevin

WTF is CHILES? And are the eight extra "y"s supposed to make it more appealing?

I still do not reply. Does that stop him from sending ANOTHER EMAIL?

Of course not.

Kevin: Dont be shy if you have any questions about me just ask. No big deal.

Should I tell him I'm really not at all shy..I just find him SUPER CREEPY.

As I contemplate whether or not to email Kevin and inform him his email etiquette is horrendous, he sends me another email:

Subject: Your Prince Charming

Im your prince charming it's just that the tights Ive worn in the past dont fit any more. Im also sick and tired of wearing that prince charming hat. It just doesnt fit anymore. I freak out my horse every time I dress up like that. I think it spooks him. lol Well im the best guy youll find on this site. I actually get my haircut every month. lol And yes my ear hairs are always trimmed. Any way let's meet this weekend. Your cute and Im not ugly so I say we are a match. What's your number so we can talk like real people do.Sincerely,Kevin

If he's the best guy I'll find on this site, I better delete my profile ASAP.

It's been a whole 7 days since I've heard from Kevin. Did he finally give up? No, not Kevin. He is relentless.

Subject: Sparks seeks Sparks

Hey,How's the jogging going in this weather?It's killing me. The other day I went by a farm stand a bought 2 peaches just to keep me going. I think there was a worm in one of them so at least I got my protien. lolDid you find your Hulk with a great personality yet?-Kevin

Let's take a look at Kevin's online profile:

Dining out
shooting pool
good movie
About Me
Looking for just one women (so is he looking for one woman or slew of them) who I can have good times with. Im the type of guy who can have fun doing anything.I Like to run and hike as my main hobbies and try to keep in shape every summer and every winter gain 10 lbs so I guess it balances out. I like to tease and kid so be prepared because I do tend to give lots of attention. And yes I like to make People laugh and smile. (with what jokes?) I dont let small things bother me and Im a well focused and a goal oriented individual.One of my goals is to find someone that clicks with my silly personality and move the relationship forward. All you need to do is just be yourself and it might all fall into place. Adventurous at the spear of the moment. Very witty and funny and surely I can entertain my date. If your open minded about things and flexible we should have no problem finding things to do. When I find the right person time will fly by and the good times will roll. Like to listen to Classic rock. Open to most types of music except hip hop or rap. A short conversation by phone is a good way to start. Very easy to be around so dont worry about the awkward meeting scenario. With a little luck we will have chemistry and hit it off. If not no pressure and wish you luck on your search. (HMM...Really, Kevin?) Thanks times 10 million for looking at my profile and I wish you barrels of roses.

For somone who lists "Dining Out" as one of their interests, why do they want to go to CHILES?!


  1. FWIW - rose petals are often code for dollars when it comes to the escort business. Just a thought...

  2. I think this entire blog needs to be submitted to Chelsea Handler! I love it!