Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Joke is on YOU.

Subject: Hey
You had me at, "An adult beverage is appropriate for a first "interview." :)"

ME: ha. :) Thanks for the email, but unfortunately I don't date smokers.

Or for that matter anyone who lists their "Interests" as "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa."

UNCLERE: Unfortunately I don't smoke....

ME: Your profile says.. Smoker: Occasionally

UNCLERE: I was just hitting buttons. Didn't know what to expect from this website so I was a little standofish... Can you relate???

ME: Umm. no.

Because when signing up for a DATING WEB SITE, one would naturally assume you are here to find someone to DATE. Not someone to just read the buttons you just hit.

UNCLERE: Ummm... Then why write back? I am just a new person to this and I am actually...... self conscious.

ME: Because I'm not rude and did not want to ignore your emails.
You should take time to create your profile so it is accurate.

UNCLERE: I din't know this site was actually serious.

Let's read the home page of
We are the dating site your friends talk about.
1. Our members will go on over 18,000,000 dates with other users this year.

2. After taking our chemistry test we match you with personalities that lead to long lasting stable relationships. We match you with users that will meet your emotional needs.

3. Discover Your Relationship Needs. We will tell you what you need in a relationship, where you screwed up (with out knowing it) in past relationships and a customized action plan to make your next relationship successful. We will also give you 33 topics to discuss that are important for long term success.

4. We've been on magazine covers featured in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, The Today Show, CNN, FOX and hundreds of others. But the vast majority of you hear about us because your friends have had a really good experience using our site.

5. You've got nothing to lose! Signup Now its free!

I mean...obviously I can see why he thought this site was a joke. Please.

ME: It's a dating site for people who want to date, make new friends, etc.

UNCLERE: oops... No disrespect.... good luck

UNCLERE: I am learning this quickly and I am amazed it actually works. I appreciate you showing me the ropes. I will update my profile and take it more seriously. If you like what you read send me an email sometime.

ME: Good idea.

So, just for shits & giggles, I take a look at UNCLERE's profile, now that he has decided to seriously update it.

I like to procrastinate and be late, but most of all I LOVE to get drunk and break stuff. My favorite past time is apologizing about the stuff I did the night before. I love to read, especially with a hangover.... nothing says the morning after like cheap coffee and a good book. I'd have to say that I am searching to get a nun to leave the convent.... ditch her habit for a mini skirt, if you know what I mean. My goal in life is the same as every other American's "Get the most by doing the least."


The perfect first date would end with us waking up forgetting each other's names.

Clearly, I am missing out on quite a catch!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

No Wonder Nice Guys Finish LAST

Subject: Your beautiful
Hi my name is michael I am a business owner form the R.I. area looking to meet one very pretty lady like yourself who wants a guy who will always be hoinest with her be loyal to her and treat her like a lady. I hope you have a wonderful day and Hope to be lucky enought to hear from you Thank you michael.

Michael is a 36-year old divorcee, who looks about 50, VERY high forehead with a typical sketchy older man mustache, who looks about as much fun as a wake.

ME: Thanks for the email, Michael, but I think I'm too much of a party club-goer for you. Good luck on here

NICEGUY: Oh no not at all i love parties and i would love to spoil you I am wealthy and a real nice guy what do you say beautiful ?? would you like to chat

Do I look like a gold digger? Is money supposed to woo me?

ME: To be honest, I'd rather not date someone wealthy.

NICEGUY: Please give me a chance I will treat you better than any other guy has I say I a wealthy I mean finacially secure Your drp dead beautiful Please give me a chance you will nt be sorry

Two "please give me a chance" is just one too many for me.

ME: Honestly, I don't date men with facial hair and who have less than 3 photos on this site.

NICEGUY: I shave it off hun for you

ME: I don't want people to change who they are.

NICEGUY: why not give me a chance I would make you very happy !! would yo ulike ot chat i am online

Friday, February 19, 2010

The Next Top Chef

From: RockerTOmmy
Subject: Strip Hold 'Em?
I love Texas hold'm and would love to play you heads up for all the chips.. MMMMM

XXOO Rocker Tommy

Yeaaah, No.

ME: LOL. Funny.

"Funny" as in "haha. Sooooo not ever going to happen." EVER.

ROCKERTOMMY: It'a a bet!

Winner gets to make dinner (or dessert)
ON the loser. Then eat it....

Have you ever been turned into an ice cream sundae? I'm a GREAT cook, very imaginitive... The hot fudge and cold ice cream make for quite a contrast. And guess where the two pinapple rings go?

....I don't even want to know.

So, I reply with...

ME: Up your ass?

Haven't heard back from him yet! :)

From Russia, With Love

From: SovietTiger
Subject: hi
hello sexy

By this point, I'm tired of these emails. SAY SOMETHING BESIDES HI. Put SOME effort in.

I check out this 31-year old's profile:
About Me
i m 31 years old. i came this country 21 years old.i own three resteraunts and i m very hard worker.the most i enjoy is traveling. i love going different parts of world and see and study
diferent cultures and religions. i love trying out diferent countries food.
what kind of music i like hm depends on my goal is to become one of the richest man in the world.
p.s i didnt put my picture because lots of people know me and i dont wana them caling me and teling o saw u on web side.i m kind a shi about this. i tell u what i m not ugly.i have a personal woman trainer at gym who keeps me on shape.i go gym twice a week.

First Date:
my first date i ll meet her with 100 white roses. i ll ofer her to go new york we can do shoping at 5 th ave. then i ll take her to comedy show. then we go to have a diner.if she is not drunk yet lol i l take her club and we can dance lol. i realy dont know what i will do i guess its depents on which kind a girl she will be.

WHAT!? No photo, no response from me.

But that doesn't stop our little soviet from sending me another email!

SOVIETTIGER: hi u r very beautiful i m hoping maybe we can chat

ME: You'll need to put a pic up first.

Because, let's face it. He could really be a 300lb. woman named Bertha.

SOVIETTIGER: i m so ugly camera broke down on me,
i have to first figure out how to put my picture on.or i can text u my picture if u give me your number

Calm down, KGB. Not so fast!

SOVIETTIGER: u can check my picture now

These are the photos he posts:

"age 18 serving russian special forces (bottom pic)"

This looks like he stole it from a "Join the KGB Today!" marketing campaign advertisement.

"russian intense training"

"riding in the back"

No wonder the USSR fell apart.

Going Going Back Back to Cali Cali

From: WD
Subject: Hi

33 year-old Navy guy Danny lists his Sign as "South Carolina." Really? He's currently living in California.

ME: Hi

WD: I'm. Danny how are u. I'm in the area for the week. Let's get to know each other ..maybe have dinner

ME: For the week?I'm not looking to date a tourist. Good luck on here!

I barely have time for myself, never mind to have dinner with someone who is in the area for a week. I'd rather have dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a while - or someone I could potentially date that lives in the area. NOT California.

2 minutes later, he fires off another email:
WD: I'm down for that interview

ME:You're in California.

WD: I'm here in westfield ma. Where r u

ME: Your profile says CALIFORNIA.

Danny, do you not know how to read? I'm in RHODE ISLAND. Your profile says CALIFORNIA. We're working with two different coasts here

WD: We can meet for coffee or dinner...let's see if we have chemistry

ME: Ummm..where in California? I'm living in RI.

DW: I'm here...come on ...I'm just looking to meet miss right

ME: Go meet her in CALIFORNIA.

DW: girls up here are mean

No, Danny. We're not mean. We just know what we want and don't want to waste our time. Does my profile say I'm looking for a new pen pal? No. I'm looking to date someone in RHODE ISLAND (or nearby. lol).

Must Love Dogs

From: WTB
Subject: Hi

WTB is a 40 year old male. His profile:

About Me:
I am a professional swm seeking single independent,professional female for dating and possible long term relationship. I enjoy sports, music and travel. I have a yellow lab named "bo" that I adore and rescued from a shelter

First Date: Dinner, meet for a drink, or take dog(s) for a walk

I take a look at his photos. He has four. THREE of Bo and one of himself kneeling and hugging Bo.

I reply....
ME: Hi.

You send me a simple thoughtless e-mail., you're going to get one back.

WTB: would you be interested in chatting sometime? Bob

Well, that depends, Bob. Am I going to be dating you or your dog?

ME: Why do you have more pics of your dog up than you?

WTB: because he is better looking

I don't even know what to say to that.

WTB: do you have AIM?

ME: do you have any photos without your dog?

WTB: I do not, I only have a few cheesy cell phone pics

Who doesn't have photos of themselves? It's 2010!! Seriously. Go to Wal-mart and buy a $4 disposable camera. End of story.

Excuses Vs. Reasons

Subject: hi
hi how are you ? My name is Al Can we talk ?

I take a look at Al's profile....
He only has one photo up and his only interest is "Someone special."

ME: Sorry, but you live too far away. Good luck on here.

ZYCLO: That's not a excuse. I have a car.

I don't car if you have a jet. Go away.

ME: It's not an excuse, it's a reason. I don't have time to be dating someone that lives more than 20 min. away.

Translation: Go away.

ZYCLO: I can move if you want.

Please, don't do me any favors.

ME: That's ok.

ZYCLO: we can have dinner sometime and you think about it.

Think about WHAT? Having dinner with you or having you move closer? I'm all set with both.

ME: I don't want kids. You do. It will never work.

ZYCLO: we can buy a puppy. A york shire. Do you like ?

I'd like it if I could put a cyber muzzle on you, actually.

ME: I like cats.

ZYCLO: ok. Then, We'll buy a cat. Problem solved.

ZYCLO: Alright. i won't bother you anymore. Have a nice week.



Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Forget YOU

From: MK
Subject: Hey
very nice...i like what i see

I mean really, what kind of conversation starter is that?

Surprise, surprise. MK's default is of him lifting up his shirt and showing off his abs.

ME: thanks!

MK: how are you? what's your name? do u have facebook? you're so cute

Calm down, stalker. He has his FB listed, so I check it out. DING DING DING! I thought he looked familiar. This guy is always out and about with my friend Henry. He has never once bothered to introduce himself to me, but now he wants to tell me I'm cute?! Please.

ME: You're killing me. lol
I've seen you out and about a million times and you've never offered to buy me a drink. :P

MK: you've seen me out? LOL where? why didn't you come up to me?? trust me...if i saw you out..i'd buy u a drink....with that face...

do u know me?

text me XXX- XXXX

ME: I think we've been introduced a few times. lol.
You must know my friend Henry XXXX?

MK: yes i'm good friends with me more

ME: What more is there to tell? lol

MK: forget this

Forget YOU, buddy. Seriously. You can't put any effort into saying hello when you see me in real life, never mind an online conversation.

Funny Lookin' Is As Funny Lookin' Does

Subject: Texas Hold 'Em
I'm almost embarassed to admit this but I've never played Texas Hold 'em, but I am willing to learn! Although I frequent Twin River aka "the Riva" I stick to 5 card video poker. I also think my hair looks funny in this pic.
Your job sounds interesting.

Not only does his hair look funny, but so does his face. Sorry! But it's true.

According to DLESS's profile, "Also, the site has me listed as a non-smoker but I fell off the's not bad, just a few a day." Just a few cigarettes a day makes you a SMOKER!

ME: It is!Good luck learning!

DLESS: Am I that funny looking?

Is this guy psychic or just insecure?

ME: Did I say that? I'm actually looking to date someone closer to my age.

DLESS: Okay, I usually look to see if you put any age range under the mail settings, you can do that. For instance if you want to meet someone between 25-32 you can adjust your profile. Anyway, I didn't see an age range so i thought I'd give it a try. Some women don't mind an older guy.

And thank you, DLESS, for the computer lesson.

Note that I don't put an age range because I like to use the "I'd like to date someone my age." as my get out of jail free card.

Monday, February 1, 2010

POF poetry

From: Eli
Subject: Hi
hi, my name elias.
i'm student at ccri, my major computer programming, i'm interested in drawing, playing tennis, bascketball, and much more. i've seen ur site and u seem a nice person, to be honest i wanna get to know u better. so why dont u tell me more about urself?


Eli looks like the angry artist type. He's only 22 years old.
His profile:

art poems fishing
tennis lifting bike riding
rock climbing hiking


First Date:
Anything comes to mind

Clearly, he's not THAT serious about meeting someone on here because he didn't take any time to fill out his "About Me" section. What does "AAAAAA" tell me about him besides the fact that he's lazy!?

ME: Hi, Eli. Thanks so much for the email, but I'm looking to date someone closer to my age. Good luck on here!

ELI: i am close to your age, there's a year between us not a big deal.
by the way ur gonna date the person not his age. :)
but if u looking for the most handsome guy in america, thats a different story.
but i want u to know that i really see in u the woman i wanna date.
there's 12 months in a year
4 weak in a month
7 days in a weak
24 hours in a day
60 minutes in an hour
60 seconds in a minute
but theres only one of u in a life time

what i'm trying to say that i'll probably find someone else, but not as good as u, cause ur impossible to find
i would love to have a dinner with u, so we can talk
and u can do that with a friend u dont like
so what u say?


ME: Are your math skills lacking? You're 22. I'm 28. That is not a year between us. It's over half a decade, actually.

You've come to the conclusion that you see in me - a woman you really want to date - based on my profile. However, I have no idea if I'd even want to speak to you because the only time you took to fill out your "About Me" section consisted of holding down the "a" key.

And to clarify, I don't have any friends that I don't like. If I did, they wouldn't be my friend!

I suggest you actually take the time to fill out your profile and show you're serious about dating someone instead of just filling it with "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa."

Can you tell that I'm tired of being nice to these whackjobs that JUST DON'T GET IT!?

ELI: cause when i sign in i wasnt serious about the whole dating thing over internet, till i met u. i'm sorry, if i'm been rude with u.
but we can get to know each other right now.
i'm an honest guy straight to the point.
i'm lebanese,
i live in providence.
my major is computer programming
i love to draw, write poems.
my hobbies are sports, i love any kind of sports.
i go to gym 3 times a weak
so are u from around here?
what's ur nationality?

Now, I'm just going to mess with him. :)

ME: I'll consider a date if you write me a poem.

- Princess of the Portuguese Empire

ELI: ok princess, this poem meant to be written for u
it's from my own words

your eyes like the moon shines through the night
your face like the sun glows so bright
you're like a desease cant fight

your lips like a river runs so deep
your smile like a triger put me to sleep
you're like a jewel mine to keep

your heart like a diamond forever i will hold
you're like a treasure full of gold

so we should call it a date.

ME: I'm like a disease?!? Like what? AIDS?!

ELI: not exacly. u know what i meant by saying that, i didnt say u are a disease. i meant ur like a spirit cant fight.
anyway why u changing the subeject
do u wanna be my date?

ME: No, thank you.