Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Boom Boom POW

Subject: Hey
MatchBox: my account got deleted, but are you interested in getting a glass of wine?

I had never talked to this 31-year-old from MA before, but thanks for sharing that POF kicked you off. Before I can reply, he sends another email...

MatchBox: can i tell you something personal?

Apparently, he feels an instant connection with me and wants to bare his soul. Great.

Me: ????

Can’t you just tell I’m on the edge of seat here? Oh what do you want to share, MatchBox!? Do tell!

MatchBox: well you won't believe me, but i'm a virgin. i only started dating a year and a half ago, and the woman i went out with wouldn't take my virginity. she said she would, then used it to my advantage, and got mad when i fell in love with her and lost interest.

I mean, seriously?! WTF. WHY are you telling me this and can’t you afford a hooker? They’re cheap enough on CraigsList and then you won’t have tell anyone you’re practicing for the lead role to the sequel of “The 40-Year Old Virgin.”

Me: Is this a joke?

MatchBox: unfortunately no. i was depressed and shy until age 25 (im 27 now...wont let me change it on my profile) have had offers the past couple years but no women i was attracted to other than my ex.

So you’re a virgin AND you don’t know how to appropriately fill out the age section of an online dating site. Nice.

Me: And you're telling me this because?

Did I accidently list “therapist” as my occupation?

MatchBox: sorry...looking for someone understanding i guess

Subject: Sorry
MatchBox: sorry if that was too much info...i just don't like pretending to be someone i'm not. i'm only good at being myself, and when i date, i don't like having to all of a sudden throw that a woman.

i'm not on here looking for someone to hook up with me...what i'm looking for is someone to talk to, get close with, and if we get along, then meet, already knowing that there's some chemistry.

if that's not what you want, that's fine.

Me: Well, I hope you find that understanding person. I'm looking for that boom boom pow.

A few days later...
Subject: Hi
MatchBox: any chance you'd want to hang out and see if we get along? not looking for a hook-up or anything.

Obviously, he's not looking for a hook-up because he's a VIRGIN, but is he a doormat as well?

Subject: Hi
Matchbox: sorry if i scared you off with the virgin talk...it's just a monkey on my back right now. the funny thing is, i had a chance to lose it when i was like 19, and she was attractive too...i just wasn't ready yet and wussed out. we were going to go to her house on valentine's day, do it, then go out to eat, and i totally wimped out lol.

I hate monkeys.

Me: Just take some club whore home from the club and get it done already. Stop crying about it.

MatchBox: i want a quality woman, or at least a sober woman.
it's a contradiction in terms i know...wanting casual sex with a woman that isn't a slut.

So, he's gay?

Subject: Hi
Matchbox: i find you very attractive, but you probably aren't interested, eh? women like yourself tend to like guys with experience or cool guys or whatever.

Insert Jeopardy theme song.

Subject: Hi
Matchbox: you alive?

Me: No.

MatchBox: i know i'm not good with words, but i find you attractive.

Me: You've mentioned that ten times.

MatchBox: i can only imagine what you're thinking "who is this guy?" or whatever, but i'm normal in person...sort of lol.

Me: Are you in a Bible study group?

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