33 year-old Joe is "looking for fun and loveing lady."
Maybe he should look for a spellcheck program instead.
Joe: maybe u like to chat with me
Me: Maybe.
Joe: so what that do you like to do talk or not
Me: Did you see the email you sent me? Wasn't exactly a newspaper article. lol.
Joe: lol i dont now
Well, that makes two of us that don't know.. or now.. whatever you're trying to say.
Joe: well if you like you can text me hare my number 401-450-xxxx
Oh, Joe....
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The Joke is on YOU.
FROM: UNCLERE
Subject: Hey
You had me at, "An adult beverage is appropriate for a first "interview." :)"
ME: ha. :) Thanks for the email, but unfortunately I don't date smokers.
Or for that matter anyone who lists their "Interests" as "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa."
UNCLERE: Unfortunately I don't smoke....
ME: Your profile says.. Smoker: Occasionally
UNCLERE: I was just hitting buttons. Didn't know what to expect from this website so I was a little standofish... Can you relate???
ME: Umm. no.
Because when signing up for a DATING WEB SITE, one would naturally assume you are here to find someone to DATE. Not someone to just read the buttons you just hit.
UNCLERE: Ummm... Then why write back? I am just a new person to this and I am actually...... self conscious.
ME: Because I'm not rude and did not want to ignore your emails.
You should take time to create your profile so it is accurate.
UNCLERE: I din't know this site was actually serious.
Let's read the home page of PlentyOfFish.com:
We are the dating site your friends talk about.
1. Our members will go on over 18,000,000 dates with other users this year.
2. After taking our chemistry test we match you with personalities that lead to long lasting stable relationships. We match you with users that will meet your emotional needs.
3. Discover Your Relationship Needs. We will tell you what you need in a relationship, where you screwed up (with out knowing it) in past relationships and a customized action plan to make your next relationship successful. We will also give you 33 topics to discuss that are important for long term success.
4. We've been on magazine covers featured in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, The Today Show, CNN, FOX and hundreds of others. But the vast majority of you hear about us because your friends have had a really good experience using our site.
5. You've got nothing to lose! Signup Now its free!
I mean...obviously I can see why he thought this site was a joke. Please.
ME: It's a dating site for people who want to date, make new friends, etc.
UNCLERE: oops... No disrespect.... good luck
UNCLERE: I am learning this quickly and I am amazed it actually works. I appreciate you showing me the ropes. I will update my profile and take it more seriously. If you like what you read send me an email sometime.
ME: Good idea.
So, just for shits & giggles, I take a look at UNCLERE's profile, now that he has decided to seriously update it.
ABOUT ME:
I like to procrastinate and be late, but most of all I LOVE to get drunk and break stuff. My favorite past time is apologizing about the stuff I did the night before. I love to read, especially with a hangover.... nothing says the morning after like cheap coffee and a good book. I'd have to say that I am searching to get a nun to leave the convent.... ditch her habit for a mini skirt, if you know what I mean. My goal in life is the same as every other American's "Get the most by doing the least."
FIRST DATE:
The perfect first date would end with us waking up forgetting each other's names.
Clearly, I am missing out on quite a catch!
Subject: Hey
You had me at, "An adult beverage is appropriate for a first "interview." :)"
ME: ha. :) Thanks for the email, but unfortunately I don't date smokers.
Or for that matter anyone who lists their "Interests" as "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa."
UNCLERE: Unfortunately I don't smoke....
ME: Your profile says.. Smoker: Occasionally
UNCLERE: I was just hitting buttons. Didn't know what to expect from this website so I was a little standofish... Can you relate???
ME: Umm. no.
Because when signing up for a DATING WEB SITE, one would naturally assume you are here to find someone to DATE. Not someone to just read the buttons you just hit.
UNCLERE: Ummm... Then why write back? I am just a new person to this and I am actually...... self conscious.
ME: Because I'm not rude and did not want to ignore your emails.
You should take time to create your profile so it is accurate.
UNCLERE: I din't know this site was actually serious.
Let's read the home page of PlentyOfFish.com:
We are the dating site your friends talk about.
1. Our members will go on over 18,000,000 dates with other users this year.
2. After taking our chemistry test we match you with personalities that lead to long lasting stable relationships. We match you with users that will meet your emotional needs.
3. Discover Your Relationship Needs. We will tell you what you need in a relationship, where you screwed up (with out knowing it) in past relationships and a customized action plan to make your next relationship successful. We will also give you 33 topics to discuss that are important for long term success.
4. We've been on magazine covers featured in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, The Today Show, CNN, FOX and hundreds of others. But the vast majority of you hear about us because your friends have had a really good experience using our site.
5. You've got nothing to lose! Signup Now its free!
I mean...obviously I can see why he thought this site was a joke. Please.
ME: It's a dating site for people who want to date, make new friends, etc.
UNCLERE: oops... No disrespect.... good luck
UNCLERE: I am learning this quickly and I am amazed it actually works. I appreciate you showing me the ropes. I will update my profile and take it more seriously. If you like what you read send me an email sometime.
ME: Good idea.
So, just for shits & giggles, I take a look at UNCLERE's profile, now that he has decided to seriously update it.
ABOUT ME:
I like to procrastinate and be late, but most of all I LOVE to get drunk and break stuff. My favorite past time is apologizing about the stuff I did the night before. I love to read, especially with a hangover.... nothing says the morning after like cheap coffee and a good book. I'd have to say that I am searching to get a nun to leave the convent.... ditch her habit for a mini skirt, if you know what I mean. My goal in life is the same as every other American's "Get the most by doing the least."
FIRST DATE:
The perfect first date would end with us waking up forgetting each other's names.
Clearly, I am missing out on quite a catch!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
No Wonder Nice Guys Finish LAST
From: NICEGUY
Subject: Your beautiful
Hi my name is michael I am a business owner form the R.I. area looking to meet one very pretty lady like yourself who wants a guy who will always be hoinest with her be loyal to her and treat her like a lady. I hope you have a wonderful day and Hope to be lucky enought to hear from you Thank you michael.
Michael is a 36-year old divorcee, who looks about 50, VERY high forehead with a typical sketchy older man mustache, who looks about as much fun as a wake.
ME: Thanks for the email, Michael, but I think I'm too much of a party club-goer for you. Good luck on here
NICEGUY: Oh no not at all i love parties and i would love to spoil you I am wealthy and a real nice guy what do you say beautiful ?? would you like to chat
Do I look like a gold digger? Is money supposed to woo me?
ME: To be honest, I'd rather not date someone wealthy.
NICEGUY: Please give me a chance I will treat you better than any other guy has I say I a wealthy I mean finacially secure Your drp dead beautiful Please give me a chance you will nt be sorry
Two "please give me a chance" is just one too many for me.
ME: Honestly, I don't date men with facial hair and who have less than 3 photos on this site.
NICEGUY: I shave it off hun for you
ME: I don't want people to change who they are.
NICEGUY: why not give me a chance I would make you very happy !! would yo ulike ot chat i am online
Subject: Your beautiful
Hi my name is michael I am a business owner form the R.I. area looking to meet one very pretty lady like yourself who wants a guy who will always be hoinest with her be loyal to her and treat her like a lady. I hope you have a wonderful day and Hope to be lucky enought to hear from you Thank you michael.
Michael is a 36-year old divorcee, who looks about 50, VERY high forehead with a typical sketchy older man mustache, who looks about as much fun as a wake.
ME: Thanks for the email, Michael, but I think I'm too much of a party club-goer for you. Good luck on here
NICEGUY: Oh no not at all i love parties and i would love to spoil you I am wealthy and a real nice guy what do you say beautiful ?? would you like to chat
Do I look like a gold digger? Is money supposed to woo me?
ME: To be honest, I'd rather not date someone wealthy.
NICEGUY: Please give me a chance I will treat you better than any other guy has I say I a wealthy I mean finacially secure Your drp dead beautiful Please give me a chance you will nt be sorry
Two "please give me a chance" is just one too many for me.
ME: Honestly, I don't date men with facial hair and who have less than 3 photos on this site.
NICEGUY: I shave it off hun for you
ME: I don't want people to change who they are.
NICEGUY: why not give me a chance I would make you very happy !! would yo ulike ot chat i am online
Friday, February 19, 2010
The Next Top Chef
From: RockerTOmmy
Subject: Strip Hold 'Em?
I love Texas hold'm and would love to play you heads up for all the chips.. MMMMM
XXOO Rocker Tommy
Yeaaah, No.
ME: LOL. Funny.
"Funny" as in "haha. Sooooo not ever going to happen." EVER.
ROCKERTOMMY: It'a a bet!
Winner gets to make dinner (or dessert)
ON the loser. Then eat it....
Have you ever been turned into an ice cream sundae? I'm a GREAT cook, very imaginitive... The hot fudge and cold ice cream make for quite a contrast. And guess where the two pinapple rings go?
....I don't even want to know.
So, I reply with...
ME: Up your ass?
Haven't heard back from him yet! :)
Subject: Strip Hold 'Em?
I love Texas hold'm and would love to play you heads up for all the chips.. MMMMM
XXOO Rocker Tommy
Yeaaah, No.
ME: LOL. Funny.
"Funny" as in "haha. Sooooo not ever going to happen." EVER.
ROCKERTOMMY: It'a a bet!
Winner gets to make dinner (or dessert)
ON the loser. Then eat it....
Have you ever been turned into an ice cream sundae? I'm a GREAT cook, very imaginitive... The hot fudge and cold ice cream make for quite a contrast. And guess where the two pinapple rings go?
....I don't even want to know.
So, I reply with...
ME: Up your ass?
Haven't heard back from him yet! :)
From Russia, With Love
From: SovietTiger
Subject: hi
hello sexy
By this point, I'm tired of these emails. SAY SOMETHING BESIDES HI. Put SOME effort in.
I check out this 31-year old's profile:
About Me
i m 31 years old. i came this country 21 years old.i own three resteraunts and i m very hard worker.the most i enjoy is traveling. i love going different parts of world and see and study
diferent cultures and religions. i love trying out diferent countries food.
what kind of music i like hm depends on my mood.my goal is to become one of the richest man in the world.
p.s i didnt put my picture because lots of people know me and i dont wana them caling me and teling o saw u on web side.i m kind a shi about this. i tell u what i m not ugly.i have a personal woman trainer at gym who keeps me on shape.i go gym twice a week.
First Date:
my first date i ll meet her with 100 white roses. i ll ofer her to go new york we can do shoping at 5 th ave. then i ll take her to comedy show. then we go to have a diner.if she is not drunk yet lol i l take her club and we can dance lol. i realy dont know what i will do i guess its depents on which kind a girl she will be.
WHAT!? No photo, no response from me.
But that doesn't stop our little soviet from sending me another email!
SOVIETTIGER: hi u r very beautiful i m hoping maybe we can chat
ME: You'll need to put a pic up first.
Because, let's face it. He could really be a 300lb. woman named Bertha.
SOVIETTIGER: i m so ugly camera broke down on me,
i have to first figure out how to put my picture on.or i can text u my picture if u give me your number
Calm down, KGB. Not so fast!
SOVIETTIGER: u can check my picture now
These are the photos he posts:
"age 18 serving russian special forces (bottom pic)"
This looks like he stole it from a "Join the KGB Today!" marketing campaign advertisement.
"russian intense training"
"riding in the back"
No wonder the USSR fell apart.
Subject: hi
hello sexy
By this point, I'm tired of these emails. SAY SOMETHING BESIDES HI. Put SOME effort in.
I check out this 31-year old's profile:
About Me
i m 31 years old. i came this country 21 years old.i own three resteraunts and i m very hard worker.the most i enjoy is traveling. i love going different parts of world and see and study
diferent cultures and religions. i love trying out diferent countries food.
what kind of music i like hm depends on my mood.my goal is to become one of the richest man in the world.
p.s i didnt put my picture because lots of people know me and i dont wana them caling me and teling o saw u on web side.i m kind a shi about this. i tell u what i m not ugly.i have a personal woman trainer at gym who keeps me on shape.i go gym twice a week.
First Date:
my first date i ll meet her with 100 white roses. i ll ofer her to go new york we can do shoping at 5 th ave. then i ll take her to comedy show. then we go to have a diner.if she is not drunk yet lol i l take her club and we can dance lol. i realy dont know what i will do i guess its depents on which kind a girl she will be.
WHAT!? No photo, no response from me.
But that doesn't stop our little soviet from sending me another email!
SOVIETTIGER: hi u r very beautiful i m hoping maybe we can chat
ME: You'll need to put a pic up first.
Because, let's face it. He could really be a 300lb. woman named Bertha.
SOVIETTIGER: i m so ugly camera broke down on me,
i have to first figure out how to put my picture on.or i can text u my picture if u give me your number
Calm down, KGB. Not so fast!
SOVIETTIGER: u can check my picture now
These are the photos he posts:
"age 18 serving russian special forces (bottom pic)"
This looks like he stole it from a "Join the KGB Today!" marketing campaign advertisement.
"russian intense training"
"riding in the back"
No wonder the USSR fell apart.
Going Going Back Back to Cali Cali
From: WD
Subject: Hi
Hi
33 year-old Navy guy Danny lists his Sign as "South Carolina." Really? He's currently living in California.
ME: Hi
WD: I'm. Danny how are u. I'm in the area for the week. Let's get to know each other ..maybe have dinner
ME: For the week?I'm not looking to date a tourist. Good luck on here!
I barely have time for myself, never mind to have dinner with someone who is in the area for a week. I'd rather have dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a while - or someone I could potentially date that lives in the area. NOT California.
2 minutes later, he fires off another email:
WD: I'm down for that interview
ME:You're in California.
WD: I'm here in westfield ma. Where r u
ME: Your profile says CALIFORNIA.
Danny, do you not know how to read? I'm in RHODE ISLAND. Your profile says CALIFORNIA. We're working with two different coasts here
WD: We can meet for coffee or dinner...let's see if we have chemistry
ME: Ummm..where in California? I'm living in RI.
DW: I'm here...come on ...I'm just looking to meet miss right
ME: Go meet her in CALIFORNIA.
DW: girls up here are mean
No, Danny. We're not mean. We just know what we want and don't want to waste our time. Does my profile say I'm looking for a new pen pal? No. I'm looking to date someone in RHODE ISLAND (or nearby. lol).
Subject: Hi
Hi
33 year-old Navy guy Danny lists his Sign as "South Carolina." Really? He's currently living in California.
ME: Hi
WD: I'm. Danny how are u. I'm in the area for the week. Let's get to know each other ..maybe have dinner
ME: For the week?I'm not looking to date a tourist. Good luck on here!
I barely have time for myself, never mind to have dinner with someone who is in the area for a week. I'd rather have dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a while - or someone I could potentially date that lives in the area. NOT California.
2 minutes later, he fires off another email:
WD: I'm down for that interview
ME:You're in California.
WD: I'm here in westfield ma. Where r u
ME: Your profile says CALIFORNIA.
Danny, do you not know how to read? I'm in RHODE ISLAND. Your profile says CALIFORNIA. We're working with two different coasts here
WD: We can meet for coffee or dinner...let's see if we have chemistry
ME: Ummm..where in California? I'm living in RI.
DW: I'm here...come on ...I'm just looking to meet miss right
ME: Go meet her in CALIFORNIA.
DW: girls up here are mean
No, Danny. We're not mean. We just know what we want and don't want to waste our time. Does my profile say I'm looking for a new pen pal? No. I'm looking to date someone in RHODE ISLAND (or nearby. lol).
Must Love Dogs
From: WTB
Subject: Hi
Hi
WTB is a 40 year old male. His profile:
About Me:
I am a professional swm seeking single independent,professional female for dating and possible long term relationship. I enjoy sports, music and travel. I have a yellow lab named "bo" that I adore and rescued from a shelter
First Date: Dinner, meet for a drink, or take dog(s) for a walk
I take a look at his photos. He has four. THREE of Bo and one of himself kneeling and hugging Bo.
I reply....
ME: Hi.
You send me a simple thoughtless e-mail., you're going to get one back.
WTB: would you be interested in chatting sometime? Bob
Well, that depends, Bob. Am I going to be dating you or your dog?
ME: Why do you have more pics of your dog up than you?
WTB: because he is better looking
I don't even know what to say to that.
WTB: do you have AIM?
ME: do you have any photos without your dog?
WTB: I do not, I only have a few cheesy cell phone pics
Who doesn't have photos of themselves? It's 2010!! Seriously. Go to Wal-mart and buy a $4 disposable camera. End of story.
Subject: Hi
Hi
WTB is a 40 year old male. His profile:
About Me:
I am a professional swm seeking single independent,professional female for dating and possible long term relationship. I enjoy sports, music and travel. I have a yellow lab named "bo" that I adore and rescued from a shelter
First Date: Dinner, meet for a drink, or take dog(s) for a walk
I take a look at his photos. He has four. THREE of Bo and one of himself kneeling and hugging Bo.
I reply....
ME: Hi.
You send me a simple thoughtless e-mail., you're going to get one back.
WTB: would you be interested in chatting sometime? Bob
Well, that depends, Bob. Am I going to be dating you or your dog?
ME: Why do you have more pics of your dog up than you?
WTB: because he is better looking
I don't even know what to say to that.
WTB: do you have AIM?
ME: do you have any photos without your dog?
WTB: I do not, I only have a few cheesy cell phone pics
Who doesn't have photos of themselves? It's 2010!! Seriously. Go to Wal-mart and buy a $4 disposable camera. End of story.
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